I really did have everything. i had the biggest future anyone will ever have. i went to the FOURTH BEST SCHOOL IN THE WORLD. THE NUMBER ONE IN AUSTRALIA. i was gunna be great. Harvard Law School and all. i know how i sound to the outside world, like a shit. but it matters to me. it really does. i had so much, and it was thrown away in the matter of seconds.
i should have listened to all of the warnings. the warnings given to me by EVERYONE around me. EVERYONE. i need to learn to fucking listen.
i had some of the most amazing people in the world in my unit, and i lost their love and respect at the same time i lost love and respect for myself.
my parents wont trust me again.
i feel ive unintentionally pushed lililil too far away to reach her ;( dont let this be true.
i hate how it sounds like im exaggerating with all this. i wish i was exaggerating. i wish it was just some fantasy in my head for drama in my life. i wish i could have my life back.
sarah thinks "ur brain will start to cope with the grieving of this tragedy anywhere from in a months time to a few years. eventually your brain will allow you to slowly start enjoying yourself again, and you will see a new future for yourself. maybe not a future that you had imagined or wanted, but a future nonetheless. everything happens for a reason, you are just yet to find out why god has thrown this at you"
i like her :) she tells me stuff i can use.
last year when i thought my life was so hard, ohmygod i wanna stab my past self. i didnt have a clue what hard meant, yet i carried on and moaned about my life like my mum had died or something. i learnt what hard was the hard way. the incredibly hard way.
i still have flashbacks of moments in those last few hours. ive run it through my brain a thousand times and more. every image is crystal clear.
i dont want to have to think about it at all. not even the good times, because they remind me of how i want more good times, and how that will never be possible.
fuckmyfuckup.
i shouldnt be in this city. i shouldnt be in this bed. i dont belong here. i belong in a cold bed in rural victoria.
Tuesday
kinkin
im really looking forward to my next session with sarah.. i know what im going to say.
im so lonely. i feel so alone at saint andrews, i dont think anyone really knows or cares about me. but saint andrews is the only place where i can be, apart from at home. I HATE GROUNDING. I HATE IT. i dont even have facebook or anything.
my grounding has made it even harder to fit in at sacs cuz i cant talk to people on fb or go to parties or anything.
so there are two and a half categories in my life right now. home, school and half work. cuz work has relatively no impact on my life, cept for $$$ :)
which sucks cuz i used to have a lot more categories in my life. categories that were much bigger than the above two. i had EVERYTHING.
fuck i hate listening to myself blog. seriously.
im so lonely. i feel so alone at saint andrews, i dont think anyone really knows or cares about me. but saint andrews is the only place where i can be, apart from at home. I HATE GROUNDING. I HATE IT. i dont even have facebook or anything.
my grounding has made it even harder to fit in at sacs cuz i cant talk to people on fb or go to parties or anything.
so there are two and a half categories in my life right now. home, school and half work. cuz work has relatively no impact on my life, cept for $$$ :)
which sucks cuz i used to have a lot more categories in my life. categories that were much bigger than the above two. i had EVERYTHING.
fuck i hate listening to myself blog. seriously.
shizz in my jizz
remind me to finish my painting with a gold wash. also remind me to clean my fishtank. also remind me to write to lucy, kate, annabel, annabelle and mia.
Poo has a scale missing.
Poo has a scale missing.
Monday
details
its a mega long shot. i highly doubt it. but i will try, boy will i try.
can i have details for jjs thing? times, gathering or party, whos going (trust me, my mum will want to know) etc? and is it THIS saturday?
wish wish wish
can i have details for jjs thing? times, gathering or party, whos going (trust me, my mum will want to know) etc? and is it THIS saturday?
wish wish wish
goldfish
I GOT GOLDFISH ON SUNDAY.
i got three of them and they live in my room with me. i feed them twice a day (before i leave for school and as soon as i get home) and sometimes just before i go to bed (if they are starting to eat the (live) plants i have in thier vase). one has tiny black lips that i didnt notice when i first picked him. his name isnt definite yet, but im thinking of calling him steiner :) then i have one with a white belly, her name is Sophia. then i have one that is entirely orange, but is extra shiny. Her name is Poo, which is actually short for Lily Poo Poo, but i like just calling her Poo:)
I will clean the vase and change the water and trim the plants every saturday after work. at this time i think i will take them out with my mothers tea strainer and put them in individual tall glasses and admire them for a while :)
i love not being alone in my room anymore. at least i have SOMEONE. theres not fourteen of them, but you know, i love them all the same.
if i lay really still at night and turn my laptop off, i can hear thier bubbles :) its the most amazing thing to listen to. every twenty seconds or so there is this tiny tiny eensy sound, and it is so peaceful.
I love them :) they are so cute. Sarah my kinesiologist recommended i get a kitten, but seeing as im not there during the day to keep it entertained and that if i end up moving to a boarding school, i might not be able to take care of her properly and give her the love she deserves. so i got goldfish :)
Sarah is so lovely. i really opened up to her about everything for the first time last week. i mean, i always open up to her because i love her and she really helps me, but this time i REALLY opened up. i mean i turned into a crying girl showing her heartache, and she was really happy for me to be able to do that in front of her. and she also accepted i didnt want to lie on the table for this session, that i just wanted to talk and cry and try and explain my life and how much ive screwed it up. also, because she is a medical professional, i was allowed to tell her EXACTLY what happened, because she cant tell anyone. so, apart from my parents, shes the only one who knows my dirty secrets ;)
kidding. about the dirty bit.
to lily, i love you very very much. im sorry about how much i have hurt you, and i wish with all my heart just to be able to make it all better. i wish i could start this year over, and include you more. im so sorry that i cant tell you some things, its not my choice i swear. if i was allowed i would tell you in a heartbeat. and i know that i could break rules if i had to, but im not a rulebreaker. not anymore. please dont assume things. just because i cant tell you doesnt mean its that bad. i think. i know how it feels to not know things, i hate it so much. if someone told me what i am telling you i would want to stab them in the face. if someone put me through what i have put you through, i would want to stab them in the face.
lil, sometimes i see us as a married couple, the grown up type. i see me as the man who has left and sends money every month to pay for child welfare. i see you as the beautiful yet aged beyond her years wife, that is at home doing everything that i never did. i see you as taking care of our child alone, and i am never there to help. i think the money i send at the end of the month is a representation of my letters from timbertop. i sent them, but i was still not THERE when you needed me. that no matter how hard i tried, those letters would never be enough. i know they were never enough.
have you read house rules by jodi picoult? if so, it is pretty much a perfect representation of how i see us. you are the hardworking mother and i am the dad that left and lives in another state. at the end of the book, he tries to get back into the mums life and fix all the hurt he has caused, but he cant. he has already pushed himself too far away.
i hope that doesnt happen to us. i hope im not too far away.
i got three of them and they live in my room with me. i feed them twice a day (before i leave for school and as soon as i get home) and sometimes just before i go to bed (if they are starting to eat the (live) plants i have in thier vase). one has tiny black lips that i didnt notice when i first picked him. his name isnt definite yet, but im thinking of calling him steiner :) then i have one with a white belly, her name is Sophia. then i have one that is entirely orange, but is extra shiny. Her name is Poo, which is actually short for Lily Poo Poo, but i like just calling her Poo:)
I will clean the vase and change the water and trim the plants every saturday after work. at this time i think i will take them out with my mothers tea strainer and put them in individual tall glasses and admire them for a while :)
i love not being alone in my room anymore. at least i have SOMEONE. theres not fourteen of them, but you know, i love them all the same.
if i lay really still at night and turn my laptop off, i can hear thier bubbles :) its the most amazing thing to listen to. every twenty seconds or so there is this tiny tiny eensy sound, and it is so peaceful.
I love them :) they are so cute. Sarah my kinesiologist recommended i get a kitten, but seeing as im not there during the day to keep it entertained and that if i end up moving to a boarding school, i might not be able to take care of her properly and give her the love she deserves. so i got goldfish :)
Sarah is so lovely. i really opened up to her about everything for the first time last week. i mean, i always open up to her because i love her and she really helps me, but this time i REALLY opened up. i mean i turned into a crying girl showing her heartache, and she was really happy for me to be able to do that in front of her. and she also accepted i didnt want to lie on the table for this session, that i just wanted to talk and cry and try and explain my life and how much ive screwed it up. also, because she is a medical professional, i was allowed to tell her EXACTLY what happened, because she cant tell anyone. so, apart from my parents, shes the only one who knows my dirty secrets ;)
kidding. about the dirty bit.
to lily, i love you very very much. im sorry about how much i have hurt you, and i wish with all my heart just to be able to make it all better. i wish i could start this year over, and include you more. im so sorry that i cant tell you some things, its not my choice i swear. if i was allowed i would tell you in a heartbeat. and i know that i could break rules if i had to, but im not a rulebreaker. not anymore. please dont assume things. just because i cant tell you doesnt mean its that bad. i think. i know how it feels to not know things, i hate it so much. if someone told me what i am telling you i would want to stab them in the face. if someone put me through what i have put you through, i would want to stab them in the face.
lil, sometimes i see us as a married couple, the grown up type. i see me as the man who has left and sends money every month to pay for child welfare. i see you as the beautiful yet aged beyond her years wife, that is at home doing everything that i never did. i see you as taking care of our child alone, and i am never there to help. i think the money i send at the end of the month is a representation of my letters from timbertop. i sent them, but i was still not THERE when you needed me. that no matter how hard i tried, those letters would never be enough. i know they were never enough.
have you read house rules by jodi picoult? if so, it is pretty much a perfect representation of how i see us. you are the hardworking mother and i am the dad that left and lives in another state. at the end of the book, he tries to get back into the mums life and fix all the hurt he has caused, but he cant. he has already pushed himself too far away.
i hope that doesnt happen to us. i hope im not too far away.
hello
hello, my name is natalia and i love blogging. i may not get around to it as much as i would love to, but i do love it when i do.
i believe the best blogging is done from a laptop whilst in bed. writing on a desktop at at desk is way too stressful, and stressful is a mood i would like to avoid having on my blog.
beds are comfortable. especially with six pillows behind you. :)
i believe the best blogging is done from a laptop whilst in bed. writing on a desktop at at desk is way too stressful, and stressful is a mood i would like to avoid having on my blog.
beds are comfortable. especially with six pillows behind you. :)
Friday
sacs
i think is getting sick of me.
because my new girl "be nice shes new" sheen has worn off, i think i just annoy everyone. which sucks a megadick because i dont know what i can do to make people like me. because at sacs, you have to have people like you. which sucks a megadick because i dont like having to say how do i get people to like me.
lara used to be nice to me :)
i like sophia. shes not like everyone else. she doesnt do drugs and shes really positive. and she makes me feel good :)
i have been to wayyy too many schools. if i get this thing im going for next year ill be up to 6 schools in my life. which is a stupid number. 3 would be a better number.
__
_____
i just want to be accepted at sacs. i dont get how everyone was nice and now i dont know them.
fuckmyfuckup
because my new girl "be nice shes new" sheen has worn off, i think i just annoy everyone. which sucks a megadick because i dont know what i can do to make people like me. because at sacs, you have to have people like you. which sucks a megadick because i dont like having to say how do i get people to like me.
lara used to be nice to me :)
i like sophia. shes not like everyone else. she doesnt do drugs and shes really positive. and she makes me feel good :)
i have been to wayyy too many schools. if i get this thing im going for next year ill be up to 6 schools in my life. which is a stupid number. 3 would be a better number.
__
_____
i just want to be accepted at sacs. i dont get how everyone was nice and now i dont know them.
fuckmyfuckup
.
i have broken so much that i need to repair
give me time
give me time
give me time
in every aspect of my life. i have broken everything. wenona, timbertop, sacs, home. i have fucked up. i have pretty much fucked up every relationship in my life.
so i become a one man wolf pack :)
what do i do? seriously.everywhere, theres empty shells of where i used to be. few memories that cant be duplicated? where am i now? i dont even know.
give me time
give me time
give me time
in every aspect of my life. i have broken everything. wenona, timbertop, sacs, home. i have fucked up. i have pretty much fucked up every relationship in my life.
so i become a one man wolf pack :)
what do i do? seriously.everywhere, theres empty shells of where i used to be. few memories that cant be duplicated? where am i now? i dont even know.
boys boys boys we like boys in carsss boys boys boys buy us drinks in barsss
if that song didnt remind me so much of good memories of timbertop, i would put it on my ipod.
so. turns out that amber knows stiener quite well, and that you lily poo poo would have met him but i think plans changed.
fyi lara and henry are officially a couple as of i think monday last week. he was high when he asked her out.
this kid tom pym likes me. wich is awkies. coz hes little. but hes sweet :) but no. defs not.
i havnt done shit in about five weeks im horny as hell. someone fuck me before i become a rape suspect.
i dont remember being this horny. because before mr harley james over there, i didnt realllyyy do much shit. after it became pretty much a daily habit, when you take it away its like argh. like a drug addict having thiere cocaine taken away, it hurts. but if you have never done cocaine or do it rarely, your not gunna miss it all that much if someone steals your stash. does that make sense?
i need dick.
stiener dickkkkk. apparently russians are verryy well hung ;)
omg i would die if anyone saw this.
lara says if i do shit with stiener everyones respect levels for me would go wayyyy down. haha.
so. turns out that amber knows stiener quite well, and that you lily poo poo would have met him but i think plans changed.
fyi lara and henry are officially a couple as of i think monday last week. he was high when he asked her out.
this kid tom pym likes me. wich is awkies. coz hes little. but hes sweet :) but no. defs not.
i havnt done shit in about five weeks im horny as hell. someone fuck me before i become a rape suspect.
i dont remember being this horny. because before mr harley james over there, i didnt realllyyy do much shit. after it became pretty much a daily habit, when you take it away its like argh. like a drug addict having thiere cocaine taken away, it hurts. but if you have never done cocaine or do it rarely, your not gunna miss it all that much if someone steals your stash. does that make sense?
i need dick.
stiener dickkkkk. apparently russians are verryy well hung ;)
omg i would die if anyone saw this.
lara says if i do shit with stiener everyones respect levels for me would go wayyyy down. haha.
i dont like this blog
my room is cool :) this weekend im getting the final touches. then i am to ban my family from entrance, so i can have it smelling like tobacco 24/7 and i wont get in trouble :)
its is going to be SO cool. im actually going to finish the refurb this time. i never manage to finish. but this time i will :)
its is going to be SO cool. im actually going to finish the refurb this time. i never manage to finish. but this time i will :)
what sickens me is that i dont make sense to myself
last night i did something bad.
two things actually.
but im okay :)
i didnt say who i was, so it doesnt count. but i heard.
with teh same awkardness even though i didnt have an identity. and a changed name.
i think im very smart. i didnt have the right code, so i figured it out all on my own. i was rather surprised to find i had figured it out correctly. now i have your code boy, watch out.
kidding :P
so now i have the oppurtunity to do it again with my identity. but there will only ever be one time, i know that. so i will do it when i am ready. when i have all my points clearly in my head. all my questions.
i wonder how the reaction will be?
idk.
two things actually.
but im okay :)
i didnt say who i was, so it doesnt count. but i heard.
with teh same awkardness even though i didnt have an identity. and a changed name.
i think im very smart. i didnt have the right code, so i figured it out all on my own. i was rather surprised to find i had figured it out correctly. now i have your code boy, watch out.
kidding :P
so now i have the oppurtunity to do it again with my identity. but there will only ever be one time, i know that. so i will do it when i am ready. when i have all my points clearly in my head. all my questions.
i wonder how the reaction will be?
idk.
Wednesday
i am in love
i got a new stereo today :)))) its massive :))
i turned the base up really high and it sounds amazing!!
the whole system is worth $350, but my dad and i haggled it down to $247. a hundred dollars off isnt too shabby. your mums vagina is a bit shabby. and scabby. and shaggy.
ohmygod i love it soo much!
the sound is amazing and it takes cds, ipods, usbs, even tapes!
its sooooo cool! love love love.
and it is so loud. the next time oscar tries to play his ac/dc louder than my music, he has something else heading for him :P hahah
it is SO cool.
the whole floor is trembling from the bass. a piece of plastic that was happily on the floor is bouncing. :DDD
i like my music LOUD.
and i like justin bieber LOUD.
I like to orgasm LOUD.
this weekend im gunna finish furnishing my room, plus my red chandilier arrives tomorrow :)) <3
i can actually feel the killers in my arse. i think thats an amazing thing to be able to feel.
today i also got new earbuds which are supposed to be better for listening to hiphop.
so now i am musically very very happy :)) its amazingggg very amazing indeed
love love love love lovepenis
and another amazing thing? i paid for it all myself! yes, someone is financially independant :)
tomorrow i think ill buy some slippers.
haha i almost wrote strippers. either or really.
maybe strippers in slippers being sippers ;) if you get waht i mean.
I MEAN THEY WILL SIP CUM.
you should probably highlight this post, just fyi.
i turned the base up really high and it sounds amazing!!
the whole system is worth $350, but my dad and i haggled it down to $247. a hundred dollars off isnt too shabby. your mums vagina is a bit shabby. and scabby. and shaggy.
ohmygod i love it soo much!
the sound is amazing and it takes cds, ipods, usbs, even tapes!
its sooooo cool! love love love.
and it is so loud. the next time oscar tries to play his ac/dc louder than my music, he has something else heading for him :P hahah
it is SO cool.
the whole floor is trembling from the bass. a piece of plastic that was happily on the floor is bouncing. :DDD
i like my music LOUD.
and i like justin bieber LOUD.
I like to orgasm LOUD.
this weekend im gunna finish furnishing my room, plus my red chandilier arrives tomorrow :)) <3
i can actually feel the killers in my arse. i think thats an amazing thing to be able to feel.
today i also got new earbuds which are supposed to be better for listening to hiphop.
so now i am musically very very happy :)) its amazingggg very amazing indeed
love love love love lovepenis
and another amazing thing? i paid for it all myself! yes, someone is financially independant :)
tomorrow i think ill buy some slippers.
haha i almost wrote strippers. either or really.
maybe strippers in slippers being sippers ;) if you get waht i mean.
I MEAN THEY WILL SIP CUM.
you should probably highlight this post, just fyi.
steiner less than three
steiner was in my dream last night.
im home sick today coz its the athletics carneval and i cbf.
anyways. stiener. im just gunna spell it like that because spelling it correctly (steiner) is way more effort. this is my space, stick it.
ANYWAY. stiener. he was in my dream. idk where we were, but i was wearing what i went to bed in (an oversized mario teeshirt that i think i bought with wiwy<3). but in the dream i was also wearing clear rayban type man glasses and they were also from jayjays. so stiener was like hey your wearing a shirt and glasses from the same place and everyones like GASP. haha. but he said it admiringly. wierd.
i cant really remember the dream, but i know we got together. we didnt go out, but we were just a thing. and he was an amazing hook. AMAZINGGGG. mmmm:)
and there was a minibus involved. which is wierd because on the way from camp to kirikee we were both on a minibus and i wanted to hook up with him because im horny and havent done shit it around a month.
in real life, yeah i do want stiener. i dont wanna go out with him coz hes a bit of a retard, but i think hes sooo hot. everyones like ew natalia its stiener hes gross. but i like it :) id tap that ;)
but i dont like him. i just think hes hot and would probably do shit with him. because i think he maybe has a nice dick. he looks like the kind of guy with a nice dick.\\
oh my god listen to me. saint andrews is sluttifying me already. gahhhh. i am going to hold on to the last shreds of my non slutifacation as tightly as possibl;e. im not going to talk about dick anymore (however lovely stieners must be) becausee maybeeeee id die if anyone saw this post.
im home sick today coz its the athletics carneval and i cbf.
anyways. stiener. im just gunna spell it like that because spelling it correctly (steiner) is way more effort. this is my space, stick it.
ANYWAY. stiener. he was in my dream. idk where we were, but i was wearing what i went to bed in (an oversized mario teeshirt that i think i bought with wiwy<3). but in the dream i was also wearing clear rayban type man glasses and they were also from jayjays. so stiener was like hey your wearing a shirt and glasses from the same place and everyones like GASP. haha. but he said it admiringly. wierd.
i cant really remember the dream, but i know we got together. we didnt go out, but we were just a thing. and he was an amazing hook. AMAZINGGGG. mmmm:)
and there was a minibus involved. which is wierd because on the way from camp to kirikee we were both on a minibus and i wanted to hook up with him because im horny and havent done shit it around a month.
in real life, yeah i do want stiener. i dont wanna go out with him coz hes a bit of a retard, but i think hes sooo hot. everyones like ew natalia its stiener hes gross. but i like it :) id tap that ;)
but i dont like him. i just think hes hot and would probably do shit with him. because i think he maybe has a nice dick. he looks like the kind of guy with a nice dick.\\
oh my god listen to me. saint andrews is sluttifying me already. gahhhh. i am going to hold on to the last shreds of my non slutifacation as tightly as possibl;e. im not going to talk about dick anymore (however lovely stieners must be) becausee maybeeeee id die if anyone saw this post.
Tuesday
a piece of a poem from my bird poems book.
Now, in the moonlight, he sits here and sings.
A thrush is singing, then a thrasher, then a jay -
Then, all at once, a cat begins meaowing.
A mockingbird can sound like anything.
He imitates the world he drove away
So well that for a minute, in the moonlight,
Which one's the mockingbird? which one's the world?
____
how amazing is that? i loveee it
actually maybe you need to read the whole poem. thats just the last bit. but i love it all the same :)
A thrush is singing, then a thrasher, then a jay -
Then, all at once, a cat begins meaowing.
A mockingbird can sound like anything.
He imitates the world he drove away
So well that for a minute, in the moonlight,
Which one's the mockingbird? which one's the world?
____
how amazing is that? i loveee it
actually maybe you need to read the whole poem. thats just the last bit. but i love it all the same :)
i dont think this makes sense, but im trying.
i dont like crayons. i like coloured pencils.
i dont like dinosaurs. i like queen victoria.
i dont like bubbles. i like steam.
i dont like picture books. i like jodi picoults.
actually kidding i like picture books. carrying on.
i dont like batman. i like boobs.
i dont like screamo. i like hiphop.
i dont like feminism. i like equality.
i dont like julia gillard because shes a woman. i like her because shes our prime minister. sorta.
i dont like art diaries. i like science textbooks.
i dont like apple juice. i like bertoni's take away cappuchino with one sugar thankyou very much have a nice day.
i dont like black hair. i like blonde hair.
__________________
this is a post that doesnt make sense to anyone outside of my head. i get it. and seeing as this is my space to do whatever, suck my dick :)
what i think im trying to say is that i dont think id like being different. i think. i hate people who try to be deep. fuck youuuuu just be who you are.
i dont even know what i think actually. all i know is that that post had some phycological meaning behind it which i have now forgotten.
onefourthree
i dont like dinosaurs. i like queen victoria.
i dont like bubbles. i like steam.
i dont like picture books. i like jodi picoults.
actually kidding i like picture books. carrying on.
i dont like batman. i like boobs.
i dont like screamo. i like hiphop.
i dont like feminism. i like equality.
i dont like julia gillard because shes a woman. i like her because shes our prime minister. sorta.
i dont like art diaries. i like science textbooks.
i dont like apple juice. i like bertoni's take away cappuchino with one sugar thankyou very much have a nice day.
i dont like black hair. i like blonde hair.
__________________
this is a post that doesnt make sense to anyone outside of my head. i get it. and seeing as this is my space to do whatever, suck my dick :)
what i think im trying to say is that i dont think id like being different. i think. i hate people who try to be deep. fuck youuuuu just be who you are.
i dont even know what i think actually. all i know is that that post had some phycological meaning behind it which i have now forgotten.
onefourthree
Justin Bieber.
i luff choo.
so. catchy.
i like justin bieber because it means im not someone trying to be cool by thinking im too cool to like him. does that make sense?
i dont mind being shallow sometimes :)
i hate people that think theyre too cool for stuff.
dont get me wrong, im not obsessive. i just dont think hes a faggot, like everyone else that isnt a screaming preteen.
actually kidding. i love him. id do him. maybe.
you know what else i hate? people trying to be different. because people trying to be different all end up being the same. the same different people. plus, someone has to be normal. if we were all different, it would be normal. dont get me wrong, im hardly normal. but im hardly different either.
theres a post ive been dying to post for ages. ill post it after this.
so. catchy.
i like justin bieber because it means im not someone trying to be cool by thinking im too cool to like him. does that make sense?
i dont mind being shallow sometimes :)
i hate people that think theyre too cool for stuff.
dont get me wrong, im not obsessive. i just dont think hes a faggot, like everyone else that isnt a screaming preteen.
actually kidding. i love him. id do him. maybe.
you know what else i hate? people trying to be different. because people trying to be different all end up being the same. the same different people. plus, someone has to be normal. if we were all different, it would be normal. dont get me wrong, im hardly normal. but im hardly different either.
theres a post ive been dying to post for ages. ill post it after this.
more excitingness :)
lots more comments and faves on my photos :))))
someone said that my ideas were original and that my piccies were wonderful. someone else said it would be a pleasure to meet me.
someone else put my work in a folder called "good artists". does that mean im a good artist?
ive also been put in "good ART" and "true art" folders <3
that reminds me, my brandnew folder is broken :'(
i saw sarah the kenesiologist today, and i told her about stuff. because she doesnt tell anyone :) so for the first time since ive been back i could actually talk to someone.
:)
someone said that my ideas were original and that my piccies were wonderful. someone else said it would be a pleasure to meet me.
someone else put my work in a folder called "good artists". does that mean im a good artist?
ive also been put in "good ART" and "true art" folders <3
that reminds me, my brandnew folder is broken :'(
i saw sarah the kenesiologist today, and i told her about stuff. because she doesnt tell anyone :) so for the first time since ive been back i could actually talk to someone.
:)
Monday
my boy 143
my boy will be nice
my boy will be smart. smarter than me. i want to learn from him.
my boy will be my reason to live
and i will be his.
he will love my smile.
he'll never forget a thing i say.
the first time we meet i will have never seen him before. (obviously). but i mean, that will be the first time we talk, i would have never ever seen him before. but he will just come up to me and start talking. and ill talk back. and hell love me from the first moment and hopefully ill love him back. then we will forget where we are going and get a coffee milk and sit and talk and wonder where have you been all my life and actually understand why people say that.
im sick of boys being cautious around me. my boy wont care if i dont like him, but secretly he will. hell say the first thing that comes to mind. sometimes ill get angry at him. but that will all be okay because hes my boy.
ill never have to think about what to wear to impress him. ill never have to put on makeup. he wont care if im a mess. hell hold me anyway.
sometimes well just be. just be in each others company.
he will love his mum, but not his dad. he has a younger sister, i will be best friends with her.
some days he will pick me up from school. we will hang out untill it gets dark and we have to go. some days he might sleep over.
my mum will love him.
ill feel like sometimes he honestly doesnt care what i think :)
he will feel like himself around me. he wont be awkward or shy or "cute"
he wont be mushy. or cheesy. hell just say how he feels in his own words or in his own way. he wont care how it sounds.
hell make fun of me. but he will never ever ever have that look of fear that he has upset me in his eye. I HATE THAT. he wont be scared if hes hurt me. i dont like people being scared that theyve hurt me. he will kknow this.
sometimes we wont talk for a whole day. and we will be okay with that.
hell send me texts in the middle of the night for me to wake up to. but they will never say good morning or i love you. they will just say whatever he had wanted to say so early in the morning.
he will believe in god, but have his own set of beliefs. my boy will never want to talk about it though, and i like that about him. i like that some things he doesnt want to talk about. that he doesnt want to give me everything about him. i dont want everything in the world you know.
sometimes ill learn new things about him, but i wont be shocked. because my boy always shocks me, or apauls me, and its amazing. so ill never be shocked more by new information.
my boy will give me something to always have on me. but nothing that anyone would ever expect. something that only we know what it is.
we will have secrets. not secrets about ourselves before we met, but secrets that formed together. not secrets about one of us, but the both of us.
he plays the trumpet. he has dark wavy hair and blue eyes. he has faint freckles on the bridge of his nose.
he never says im beautiful.
maybe hell sneak into my house. we know its possible.
hell live closeby, birchgrove or rozelle maybe.
my friends wont know him. my friends wont like him. because my friends dont know him.
we would have been strangers before we met.
his name wont be Jett. his name might be Rob.
he will be in year 10. sometimes he doesnt go home.
he doesnt like some of his teachers, and he talks to me about them. i will imagine them up in my head as however he describes them. but he does like some of them, and he likes to learn, and he is patient to teach me.
hell never say things i dont understand. and when he does, ill like it. because ill pretend i know what hes talking about and then hell give me that gorgous half smile with his not-too-white teeth that lets me know he knows i dont understand. but no words will be exchanged. he will kiss me on the lips briefly then whisper "silly.." and my heart will melt.
we will read girly magazines together, because i know he is intrigued. sometimes we'll do down to the little place i used to run where you can see the harbour bridge and stand against the railing and talk about completely unromantic stuff. from far away people will think were cute. upclose people will think "what the..?"
maybe well have our own words.
ill forget his birthday. hell forget mine.
ill buy him presents when i go overseas. but i wont buy him a christmas present.
itll take him a long time to say i love you. maybe i wont say it back. maybe ill say "...interesting.." and hell slap me lightly accross the face and then kiss it better. because even if i do love him, i dont think ill say it.
ive never been in love.
i think i will first meet my boy on a bus coming home. ill be standing near the back door and he will have a seat near the back and hell get up and come to me and say "sometimes, i like standing near the back door. i feel like im helping society, even when im not".
and i wont have anything to say back. seriously, what can you say to that? so there will be a two and a quarter second silence and then he wont apologise for confusing me, but say "hi, im Alex." or Rob. Or Yurundah.
ill say "im natalia..hey". hell say "cool. i dont know anyone named natalia... actually kidding i think i had a great aunt named natalie. but that was natalie. not natalia."
then another silence. then ill comment on the weather. and we will talk about the weather for a good ten minutes, or until i have to get off. whichever comes sooner.
and although i dont think i liked the first part of our conversation, i liked talking about the weather with him. and ill never know why.
so, the next day he will be on the bus again. and this time we will talk about my dog going to the vet.
we will never talk about deep things. there will be an unspoken language of all the things we would say. he will say little deepish things occaisionally. like "i wonder if ants know thier naked". i think thats deep. and then i will kiss him. and then i will say "im not sure Drey. do you think ants know thier naked?" and then hell have a little think, and walk away without saying goodbye and ill see him the next day.
i dont think im conveying the conversations i imagine with him very well. they wont all be completely random and retarded. most will actually be very normal. just not romantic. none of this forever crap. because forever is just a word. noone gets to live to see forever.
maybe we will talk about our futures sometimes. but not about OUR future, just about our individual futures, and about the worlds future.
well talk about world issues.
for some reason we will have a long car ride together in the dark in teh back seat with my dad driving and my brothher on the other side of him. and i think well cuddle. no, we wont cuddle. i will fall asleep on his shoulder and then dribble and wake up to my own fart. and he will be discusted and question why he loves me. jokingly of course. because he will actually not know why he loves me, but will just know that he does.
hell think im cute sometimes :)
well bake cookies and burn them.
143. :)
my boy will be smart. smarter than me. i want to learn from him.
my boy will be my reason to live
and i will be his.
he will love my smile.
he'll never forget a thing i say.
the first time we meet i will have never seen him before. (obviously). but i mean, that will be the first time we talk, i would have never ever seen him before. but he will just come up to me and start talking. and ill talk back. and hell love me from the first moment and hopefully ill love him back. then we will forget where we are going and get a coffee milk and sit and talk and wonder where have you been all my life and actually understand why people say that.
im sick of boys being cautious around me. my boy wont care if i dont like him, but secretly he will. hell say the first thing that comes to mind. sometimes ill get angry at him. but that will all be okay because hes my boy.
ill never have to think about what to wear to impress him. ill never have to put on makeup. he wont care if im a mess. hell hold me anyway.
sometimes well just be. just be in each others company.
he will love his mum, but not his dad. he has a younger sister, i will be best friends with her.
some days he will pick me up from school. we will hang out untill it gets dark and we have to go. some days he might sleep over.
my mum will love him.
ill feel like sometimes he honestly doesnt care what i think :)
he will feel like himself around me. he wont be awkward or shy or "cute"
he wont be mushy. or cheesy. hell just say how he feels in his own words or in his own way. he wont care how it sounds.
hell make fun of me. but he will never ever ever have that look of fear that he has upset me in his eye. I HATE THAT. he wont be scared if hes hurt me. i dont like people being scared that theyve hurt me. he will kknow this.
sometimes we wont talk for a whole day. and we will be okay with that.
hell send me texts in the middle of the night for me to wake up to. but they will never say good morning or i love you. they will just say whatever he had wanted to say so early in the morning.
he will believe in god, but have his own set of beliefs. my boy will never want to talk about it though, and i like that about him. i like that some things he doesnt want to talk about. that he doesnt want to give me everything about him. i dont want everything in the world you know.
sometimes ill learn new things about him, but i wont be shocked. because my boy always shocks me, or apauls me, and its amazing. so ill never be shocked more by new information.
my boy will give me something to always have on me. but nothing that anyone would ever expect. something that only we know what it is.
we will have secrets. not secrets about ourselves before we met, but secrets that formed together. not secrets about one of us, but the both of us.
he plays the trumpet. he has dark wavy hair and blue eyes. he has faint freckles on the bridge of his nose.
he never says im beautiful.
maybe hell sneak into my house. we know its possible.
hell live closeby, birchgrove or rozelle maybe.
my friends wont know him. my friends wont like him. because my friends dont know him.
we would have been strangers before we met.
his name wont be Jett. his name might be Rob.
he will be in year 10. sometimes he doesnt go home.
he doesnt like some of his teachers, and he talks to me about them. i will imagine them up in my head as however he describes them. but he does like some of them, and he likes to learn, and he is patient to teach me.
hell never say things i dont understand. and when he does, ill like it. because ill pretend i know what hes talking about and then hell give me that gorgous half smile with his not-too-white teeth that lets me know he knows i dont understand. but no words will be exchanged. he will kiss me on the lips briefly then whisper "silly.." and my heart will melt.
we will read girly magazines together, because i know he is intrigued. sometimes we'll do down to the little place i used to run where you can see the harbour bridge and stand against the railing and talk about completely unromantic stuff. from far away people will think were cute. upclose people will think "what the..?"
maybe well have our own words.
ill forget his birthday. hell forget mine.
ill buy him presents when i go overseas. but i wont buy him a christmas present.
itll take him a long time to say i love you. maybe i wont say it back. maybe ill say "...interesting.." and hell slap me lightly accross the face and then kiss it better. because even if i do love him, i dont think ill say it.
ive never been in love.
i think i will first meet my boy on a bus coming home. ill be standing near the back door and he will have a seat near the back and hell get up and come to me and say "sometimes, i like standing near the back door. i feel like im helping society, even when im not".
and i wont have anything to say back. seriously, what can you say to that? so there will be a two and a quarter second silence and then he wont apologise for confusing me, but say "hi, im Alex." or Rob. Or Yurundah.
ill say "im natalia..hey". hell say "cool. i dont know anyone named natalia... actually kidding i think i had a great aunt named natalie. but that was natalie. not natalia."
then another silence. then ill comment on the weather. and we will talk about the weather for a good ten minutes, or until i have to get off. whichever comes sooner.
and although i dont think i liked the first part of our conversation, i liked talking about the weather with him. and ill never know why.
so, the next day he will be on the bus again. and this time we will talk about my dog going to the vet.
we will never talk about deep things. there will be an unspoken language of all the things we would say. he will say little deepish things occaisionally. like "i wonder if ants know thier naked". i think thats deep. and then i will kiss him. and then i will say "im not sure Drey. do you think ants know thier naked?" and then hell have a little think, and walk away without saying goodbye and ill see him the next day.
i dont think im conveying the conversations i imagine with him very well. they wont all be completely random and retarded. most will actually be very normal. just not romantic. none of this forever crap. because forever is just a word. noone gets to live to see forever.
maybe we will talk about our futures sometimes. but not about OUR future, just about our individual futures, and about the worlds future.
well talk about world issues.
for some reason we will have a long car ride together in the dark in teh back seat with my dad driving and my brothher on the other side of him. and i think well cuddle. no, we wont cuddle. i will fall asleep on his shoulder and then dribble and wake up to my own fart. and he will be discusted and question why he loves me. jokingly of course. because he will actually not know why he loves me, but will just know that he does.
hell think im cute sometimes :)
well bake cookies and burn them.
143. :)
this is exciting.
ive made a deviant art account, and ive uploaded some of my work :)
so far around two people have favourited EACH of my photos, and ive had comments on i think three of them :)
and ive only had pictures on the account for a couple hours :))
yay!
http://bottlebleu.deviantart.com/gallery/
tell me if i suck.
Graff, Let's Climb and Noosa are my favourites.\\
Friday
a few thought processes today:
waiting for my bus to take me to work - "in around 45 minutes lily will be standing on this exact same floor as i am now"
driving home from work - "at some stage this afternoon lilys bus was driving in this same lane in order to get to my house"
snuggling my new teddy - "lily touched you. now i am touching you. i am therefore touching lily. hello lily :)"
driving home from work - "at some stage this afternoon lilys bus was driving in this same lane in order to get to my house"
snuggling my new teddy - "lily touched you. now i am touching you. i am therefore touching lily. hello lily :)"
meowcat
how does YOUR AMAZING sound?
seriously. wtf. wtfffffff. how did i ever get a girl like you to stumble into my life.
how was i ever that lucky?
seriously, what the hell did i do right?
oh crap im crying.
lily youre amazing. and you will never be anything less than amazing. EVER. i love you so so so so very much and it hurts me alot to be away from you.. ;(
WHAT THE HELL WHO DOES THAT?!? who teh hell treks it across the city to drop off all the keys to a girls heart, to leave them on her bed and not even get to see her? that is DEDICATION. that is LOVE. that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. EVER.
so, to be a lady,
thankyou.
thankyou very very very much. you officially brought tears to my eyes.
i love you.
very much.
seriously. wtf. wtfffffff. how did i ever get a girl like you to stumble into my life.
how was i ever that lucky?
seriously, what the hell did i do right?
oh crap im crying.
lily youre amazing. and you will never be anything less than amazing. EVER. i love you so so so so very much and it hurts me alot to be away from you.. ;(
WHAT THE HELL WHO DOES THAT?!? who teh hell treks it across the city to drop off all the keys to a girls heart, to leave them on her bed and not even get to see her? that is DEDICATION. that is LOVE. that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. EVER.
so, to be a lady,
thankyou.
thankyou very very very much. you officially brought tears to my eyes.
i love you.
very much.
Thursday
girlss
oh this new blog is girly. reallllyyyy girly :)
nice change eh? from all the dark and neon.. :)
love love love
im so excited.
to have a piece of you in my backyard :)
i sound like a fucked up murderer. hahahahaa
well you know i could be.
i have good nail polish on. its red :)
mama got it for me in Britain. yaY :)
a beautiful transfestite sold it to her. she said that she was really beautiful, and not cheap
or tacky like lots of them are :)
which is good, people not doing what is expected.
selling nail polish is also good, because minions like you and me get to have pretty talons :)
ohhhhh im in a wierd mood.
nice change eh? from all the dark and neon.. :)
love love love
im so excited.
to have a piece of you in my backyard :)
i sound like a fucked up murderer. hahahahaa
well you know i could be.
i have good nail polish on. its red :)
mama got it for me in Britain. yaY :)
a beautiful transfestite sold it to her. she said that she was really beautiful, and not cheap
or tacky like lots of them are :)
which is good, people not doing what is expected.
selling nail polish is also good, because minions like you and me get to have pretty talons :)
ohhhhh im in a wierd mood.
lily poo
lily poo
how are you
are you sitting on the loo?
i dont know who
sits on the loo
whilst they poo...
do you?
how are you
are you sitting on the loo?
i dont know who
sits on the loo
whilst they poo...
do you?
Wednesday
:)
some days my makeup looks better than others. today is a good day :)
everything is so far behind me, and im so happy. im moving movinggg movinggg. i finally feel like i used to, in control of my life. i know where im headed, i know where i came from and i know what i can become.
everything happens for a reason. and im so excited to see why :)
at saint andrews i dont have to listen to whispers like i would have had to at timbertop..i just know it.at sacs i feel wanted and beautiful and popular, and although i miss timbertop desperately, i know i can make a light of my situation. i know that even though my entire future was stolen from me, i can regrow it again. i can make my life into what i want, all over again.
im not going to let anything, or anyone stop me. because i am me, i know what i want, and i know how to get it.
my future looks bright :)
everything is so far behind me, and im so happy. im moving movinggg movinggg. i finally feel like i used to, in control of my life. i know where im headed, i know where i came from and i know what i can become.
everything happens for a reason. and im so excited to see why :)
at saint andrews i dont have to listen to whispers like i would have had to at timbertop..i just know it.at sacs i feel wanted and beautiful and popular, and although i miss timbertop desperately, i know i can make a light of my situation. i know that even though my entire future was stolen from me, i can regrow it again. i can make my life into what i want, all over again.
im not going to let anything, or anyone stop me. because i am me, i know what i want, and i know how to get it.
my future looks bright :)
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