you never blog anymore D:
i cant talk, i dont really either.
Friday
Tuesday
On lonely nights i start to fade
(on lonely nights i start to fade)
his love's a thousand miles away
(his love's a thousand miles away)
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
Memories made in the coldest winter
It's 4 am and i can't sleep
(it's 4 am and i can't sleep)
Her love is all that i can see
(her love is all that i can see)
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbyemy friend will i ever love again?
Memories made in the coldest winter
Winter winter oh
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
If spring can take the snow away
(if spring can take the snow away)
Can it melt away all our mistakes?
(can it melt away all our mistakes?)
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend i won't ever love again
Never again
(on lonely nights i start to fade)
his love's a thousand miles away
(his love's a thousand miles away)
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
Memories made in the coldest winter
It's 4 am and i can't sleep
(it's 4 am and i can't sleep)
Her love is all that i can see
(her love is all that i can see)
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbyemy friend will i ever love again?
Memories made in the coldest winter
Winter winter oh
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
Goodbye my friend will i ever love again?
If spring can take the snow away
(if spring can take the snow away)
Can it melt away all our mistakes?
(can it melt away all our mistakes?)
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend i won't ever love again
Never again
this is actually so stupid
WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH MY LIFE?
seriously. WHAT THE FUCK!??
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkkkkkkkk?
seriously. WHAT THE FUCK!??
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkkkkkkkk?
i love how on saturday night, you wanted to make it work.
I love you too much (143)
To walk away though (my plane happens to be at 4)
Come inside (...of my vagina LOL JK fuck off)
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk ( come back to me :'(
Don't you hear sincerity (you know that i mean it)
In my voice when I talk (i meant it when i told you)
Told you this is my fault (im sorry that my life led me to melbourne)
Look me in the eyeball (but i know that you do like me, that this is just laziness)
Next time I'm pissed (VERY pissed...AT YOU YOU UNDESERVING SHIT)
I'll aim my fist (or my virginity)
At the dry wall (someplace else)
Next time (we have something special)
There will be no next time (oh wait, youll never want to make it work)
I apologize (I really am SO sorry)
Even though I know it's lies (OMG JUST GET THE WILL POWER TO MAKE IT WORK)
I'm tired of the games (why did you tell me it would work?)
I just want him back (so, so, so much :'(
I know I'm a liar (i guess i could have stopped us)
If he ever tries to fucking leave again (oh dw, this wont be happening again)
I'mma tie him to the bed (but if it does...)
And set the house on fire (you are going to be SERIOUSLY fucked.)
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
To walk away though (my plane happens to be at 4)
Come inside (...of my vagina LOL JK fuck off)
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk ( come back to me :'(
Don't you hear sincerity (you know that i mean it)
In my voice when I talk (i meant it when i told you)
Told you this is my fault (im sorry that my life led me to melbourne)
Look me in the eyeball (but i know that you do like me, that this is just laziness)
Next time I'm pissed (VERY pissed...AT YOU YOU UNDESERVING SHIT)
I'll aim my fist (or my virginity)
At the dry wall (someplace else)
Next time (we have something special)
There will be no next time (oh wait, youll never want to make it work)
I apologize (I really am SO sorry)
Even though I know it's lies (OMG JUST GET THE WILL POWER TO MAKE IT WORK)
I'm tired of the games (why did you tell me it would work?)
I just want him back (so, so, so much :'(
I know I'm a liar (i guess i could have stopped us)
If he ever tries to fucking leave again (oh dw, this wont be happening again)
I'mma tie him to the bed (but if it does...)
And set the house on fire (you are going to be SERIOUSLY fucked.)
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Monday
shock horror. didnt plan for it to be this way.
i reckon im gunna end up losing my v plates to matthew.
oh! how slutty!
oh! how slutty!
Thursday
Friday
Monday
luna park ghost train rant
so, some really fucked up people started a fire on one of luna parks rides, that killed 7 people.
the police/investigators knew exactly who did it (it was a criminal organisation thats been in sydney for agesss), because footage and evidence put them at the scene.
but the catch is this: those same people in the criminal organisation also run the majority of sydneys illegal brothels. and in these brothels there are peep holes in the doors so the pimps (the criminals that started the fire) can look in and see whos using the prostitutes. they also take pictures of every man to ever use one, and keep the explicit photos on file.
in australia it is a federal crime to use an illegal prostitute.
so, the investigators and lawyers for luna park syney had been very naughtily using the prostitutes many years prior to the fire, and guess who had pictues of them commiting this crime?
the criminals who they were trying to prosecute.
ULTIMATE blackmail.
if they proceeded with the case (which they didnt), the crims would have pulled out the photos and pulled a "why can he break the law and not us?".
gotta love it :P hahaa
the police/investigators knew exactly who did it (it was a criminal organisation thats been in sydney for agesss), because footage and evidence put them at the scene.
but the catch is this: those same people in the criminal organisation also run the majority of sydneys illegal brothels. and in these brothels there are peep holes in the doors so the pimps (the criminals that started the fire) can look in and see whos using the prostitutes. they also take pictures of every man to ever use one, and keep the explicit photos on file.
in australia it is a federal crime to use an illegal prostitute.
so, the investigators and lawyers for luna park syney had been very naughtily using the prostitutes many years prior to the fire, and guess who had pictues of them commiting this crime?
the criminals who they were trying to prosecute.
ULTIMATE blackmail.
if they proceeded with the case (which they didnt), the crims would have pulled out the photos and pulled a "why can he break the law and not us?".
gotta love it :P hahaa
questions and love
1. what do i smell like? poo? cat poo? regurgitated cat poo?
2. what was the first i ever mentioned of harley in a letter to you/what did i love about him at the VERY beginning?
3. which of the following do you think is prettiest (in order): Emily, India, Patricia (could be Pat or Cia), Kate, Rose, Vera, Mai? feel free to hyphen a couple together if so wished :)
4. this feels very..structured.. lets fuck things up :)
22021964. would you love me if i told you i was a pathetic human being? or would you tell me im not one? its an interesting thought, really.
hey aviator ;) is it just me or does that sound sexy? haha :)
when im ungrounded well have fun :)
2. what was the first i ever mentioned of harley in a letter to you/what did i love about him at the VERY beginning?
3. which of the following do you think is prettiest (in order): Emily, India, Patricia (could be Pat or Cia), Kate, Rose, Vera, Mai? feel free to hyphen a couple together if so wished :)
4. this feels very..structured.. lets fuck things up :)
22021964. would you love me if i told you i was a pathetic human being? or would you tell me im not one? its an interesting thought, really.
hey aviator ;) is it just me or does that sound sexy? haha :)
when im ungrounded well have fun :)
Sunday
clothes
..hold so many memories.
what hurts alot is that my favourite trackpants/genie pants currently have harleys semen on them. how gross is that? i find it discusting.
so, around a week after the first time he broke my heart i went shopping, pretty much by myself but my mum was in the same complex.
i bought a bra and undies set, and i promised myself that no matter what, no boy would ever see them.
because theyre so gorgous, and too many of my gorgous clothes have been deemed unwearable because they hold too much rememberances. hey, i just made up another word. cool :)
anyway, this particular set is awesome. little blue and white pinstripes with a pink ribbon around the trim that has white spots on it. the undies are baggy, and the bra is that kind that could be a strapless if so needed.
theyre cool. and for no boy to see.
i have this awesome bra that is black and pink sorta sebraish stripes with black tulle around the top and its really racy but really sexy too :) ... i wore that when i went to harleys house ... he liked it ... i can no longer wear it ... see?
gah.
but, on the same yet other hand, some clothes i wear too much coz their of happier times. ie lee riders that i bought with my mum in queenstown on our day off skiing. we went to lunch together and spent the day shopping :) it was so much fun :)
and i wear my necklace too much coz jaz gave it too me, and i guess i could never wear my wedding ring too much coz marriage is for eternity and so is the wearing of the ring. :)
i wear liloozahs top a fair bit (alot) too :)
i asked my mum if i was ungrounded in the time between the end of term and when i go to perth (the wednesday after we break up) and she said no, im ungrounded when i get to melbourne. BUT, i said so i cant see lily? not after all this time? and shes like, maybe, if she comes to our house and your good and dont do anything stupid (ie smoke dads plants in a milo tin bong a la oscar and his friends).
maybe sleepovers are allowed? im not sure.. i hope so
ooooo i just remembered something that is actually on topic (for once) .. i bought $400 worth of clothes today :) yayyy :) i love love love them :)
some bitch on ebay out bid me 4 seconds before the end. i was counting down with my mum the seconds and it got to 4 and it was so exciting and then the little red words flashed up and im like NOOOOOO YOU BITCH! so i tried to enter my higher price in time but i didnt get there in time :(
it was this cool embroidered hippy vest that i really wanted :(
poo bum wee face.
i left sophias dead body floating in the water until dad got home (3 days or so), she turned brown and started to decompose. festy. and the water went all murky. festy.
i have 3 dead souls in my room... :l
did it ever occur that the word pimp is in pimple? lolzer.
tomorrow ill post about that ride at luna park that caught fire and 7 people died.
im freaking myself out now.
byebye
what hurts alot is that my favourite trackpants/genie pants currently have harleys semen on them. how gross is that? i find it discusting.
so, around a week after the first time he broke my heart i went shopping, pretty much by myself but my mum was in the same complex.
i bought a bra and undies set, and i promised myself that no matter what, no boy would ever see them.
because theyre so gorgous, and too many of my gorgous clothes have been deemed unwearable because they hold too much rememberances. hey, i just made up another word. cool :)
anyway, this particular set is awesome. little blue and white pinstripes with a pink ribbon around the trim that has white spots on it. the undies are baggy, and the bra is that kind that could be a strapless if so needed.
theyre cool. and for no boy to see.
i have this awesome bra that is black and pink sorta sebraish stripes with black tulle around the top and its really racy but really sexy too :) ... i wore that when i went to harleys house ... he liked it ... i can no longer wear it ... see?
gah.
but, on the same yet other hand, some clothes i wear too much coz their of happier times. ie lee riders that i bought with my mum in queenstown on our day off skiing. we went to lunch together and spent the day shopping :) it was so much fun :)
and i wear my necklace too much coz jaz gave it too me, and i guess i could never wear my wedding ring too much coz marriage is for eternity and so is the wearing of the ring. :)
i wear liloozahs top a fair bit (alot) too :)
i asked my mum if i was ungrounded in the time between the end of term and when i go to perth (the wednesday after we break up) and she said no, im ungrounded when i get to melbourne. BUT, i said so i cant see lily? not after all this time? and shes like, maybe, if she comes to our house and your good and dont do anything stupid (ie smoke dads plants in a milo tin bong a la oscar and his friends).
maybe sleepovers are allowed? im not sure.. i hope so
ooooo i just remembered something that is actually on topic (for once) .. i bought $400 worth of clothes today :) yayyy :) i love love love them :)
some bitch on ebay out bid me 4 seconds before the end. i was counting down with my mum the seconds and it got to 4 and it was so exciting and then the little red words flashed up and im like NOOOOOO YOU BITCH! so i tried to enter my higher price in time but i didnt get there in time :(
it was this cool embroidered hippy vest that i really wanted :(
poo bum wee face.
i left sophias dead body floating in the water until dad got home (3 days or so), she turned brown and started to decompose. festy. and the water went all murky. festy.
i have 3 dead souls in my room... :l
did it ever occur that the word pimp is in pimple? lolzer.
tomorrow ill post about that ride at luna park that caught fire and 7 people died.
im freaking myself out now.
byebye
where was i 6 months ago?
i was climbing mt buller. we were hiking for 11 hours, and at the time i thought that was ridiculously long. i was tired of clare complaining about her blisters. i was admiring the view. i kept forgetting it was my birthday. when we got to the top everyone sang happy birthday to me. i got in trouble for saying obama. we had miggas for dinner. i slept with gith in her tent.
ouchh.. its hurting.
ouchh.. its hurting.
Friday
a year of growing up. a year of firsts. 2010, i wont forget you.
In generally chronilogical order
first cigarette
first boarding school
first proper hike
first proper run
first older guy
first finger
first treasured early morning
first fortnight without a mirror
first love
first hand
first lick
first webcam sex
first drunken experience
first bringing my mum to a boyfriends house
first regret first expulsion
first mourning
first grief
first temporary schooling
first job
first pay
first breakup that mattered
first big lesson.
good god 2010, youre not even over yet.
but you have been one massive lesson, and a very harsh one at that.
i have learned more about life than any other year, and more about myself as well.
the night before i went to timbertop i was crying and thought to myself "one day ill look back and laugh on this moment"
because i knew i would get over it and that everything would turn out fine.
and i did. i looked back and absoloutely pissed myself, because i loved timbertop so much that it was an absoloute joke to even shed a tear about its capabilities.
and now, ill think it again, in a desperate hope that the same will follow through.
one day ill look back and laugh
first cigarette
first boarding school
first proper hike
first proper run
first older guy
first finger
first treasured early morning
first fortnight without a mirror
first love
first hand
first lick
first webcam sex
first drunken experience
first bringing my mum to a boyfriends house
first regret first expulsion
first mourning
first grief
first temporary schooling
first job
first pay
first breakup that mattered
first big lesson.
good god 2010, youre not even over yet.
but you have been one massive lesson, and a very harsh one at that.
i have learned more about life than any other year, and more about myself as well.
the night before i went to timbertop i was crying and thought to myself "one day ill look back and laugh on this moment"
because i knew i would get over it and that everything would turn out fine.
and i did. i looked back and absoloutely pissed myself, because i loved timbertop so much that it was an absoloute joke to even shed a tear about its capabilities.
and now, ill think it again, in a desperate hope that the same will follow through.
one day ill look back and laugh
so pretty much as soon as i posted that i got a call from him.
we screamed at each other for a good 45 minutes. and i mean SCREAM. like, i think i could hear him from melbourne.
about how im a fucking bitch and all that shit and i jsut screamed back and was the biggest bitch i could ever be.
point of story, he said he had had a bit to drink last night (thursday night - ooohhh cool kid.), and really wanted to make it work.
well guess what buddy? its too late. too many times have i accepted that and tried to make it work. but that was the last time. never again. its too much stress that i cant deal with.
i am never getting back with harley james arif, no matter how much he pleads and begs. NEVER.
and if i try, for god sake, stop me. because hopefully, for the first time in my life, ill listen.
we screamed at each other for a good 45 minutes. and i mean SCREAM. like, i think i could hear him from melbourne.
about how im a fucking bitch and all that shit and i jsut screamed back and was the biggest bitch i could ever be.
point of story, he said he had had a bit to drink last night (thursday night - ooohhh cool kid.), and really wanted to make it work.
well guess what buddy? its too late. too many times have i accepted that and tried to make it work. but that was the last time. never again. its too much stress that i cant deal with.
i am never getting back with harley james arif, no matter how much he pleads and begs. NEVER.
and if i try, for god sake, stop me. because hopefully, for the first time in my life, ill listen.
prepare for an anxsty post. im glad i just made up that word. ill use it more often.
my dearest in the world, the reason you hated hj (and will continue to) is because he is a complete and utter dick in every sense of the word. he ruined my life and if i was any weaker than i am, i would have killed myself by now. im sorry to sound like this, but i just have to say.
last night i finally, at last, broke up with him. we spoke for an hour or two before hand and i got everything out of him that i had been fearing for too long.
he stopped likeing me a while ago. BEFORE he fucked everything up. he thought, i dont care that i am no longer in love with her, ill pretend i am, and fuck up her life completely. i will then still pretend to be in love with her as i slowly and steadily take all hope she had left. ill pretend to still love her, so i can meet up with her in the middle of the night and let her say yes to sex and have no problem with it, even though i dont like her anymore. im only with her now because i can be. i fucked up her life, and didnt even like her for it.
I FUCKING HATE THAT FUCKIING CUNT HE CAN GO FUCKING ROT IN FUCKING HELL I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
HE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY LED ME ALONG!!!
IF HE HAD BEEN A DECENT PERSON AND TOLD ME WHEN HE FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH ME AND DUMPED ME, I WOULD STILL BE AT GEELONG GRAMMAR!!!!!!!! I WOULD STILL HAVE EVERYTHING!!!!!!
on top of that, when we were talking about monday night (that was the post i was gunna make in IST but never got around to it and never will), he said that he was bored and that if we had sex he would probably start likeing me again! can you fukcing believe that!!!???!?! i FUCKING RUBBED HIS FUCKING COCK FOR LITERALLY FUCKING TWO HOURS WITH HIM PRESSURING ME THE WHOLE TIME TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH!!! and i was going to. i was going to give him head that night, until he started asking for it, over and over and over. not only that, he wouldnt return anything!! WTF?? he fingered me like twice, not over 30 secs each time, then was like, this is tiring for my hand. and i was like are you fucking kidding me?> how is my hand after all that????/
then we thought it would be a great idea to have sex, remembering that this whole time, he actually doesnt love me, and that he is the biggest dick in the world, but thank god we didnt coz he said was too tired and that sex was too much work for the guy and too good for the girl (he actually said that. WTFF!?!)
I FUCKING HATE HIM!!
i had a mini fuming sesh with lara this morning. she gets it.
coz i loved him, and i was ready to give him ALL my love.
but he didnt love me back, and he was willing to take everything i had anyway. (if it wasnt for his laziness..that actually makes me laugh. his own laziness got in the way of being an even bigger dick..i love lazy people). but seriously!?! he considered it for a good while. he even said "yeah, lets. ive got a condom." then i said "but then again, i have a virginity" and THEN he pulled the yeah im tired card.
he was fullz gunna take it. fuckerrr.
I HATE HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
SOOOOOO FUCKING MUCH.
last night i finally, at last, broke up with him. we spoke for an hour or two before hand and i got everything out of him that i had been fearing for too long.
he stopped likeing me a while ago. BEFORE he fucked everything up. he thought, i dont care that i am no longer in love with her, ill pretend i am, and fuck up her life completely. i will then still pretend to be in love with her as i slowly and steadily take all hope she had left. ill pretend to still love her, so i can meet up with her in the middle of the night and let her say yes to sex and have no problem with it, even though i dont like her anymore. im only with her now because i can be. i fucked up her life, and didnt even like her for it.
I FUCKING HATE THAT FUCKIING CUNT HE CAN GO FUCKING ROT IN FUCKING HELL I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
HE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY LED ME ALONG!!!
IF HE HAD BEEN A DECENT PERSON AND TOLD ME WHEN HE FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH ME AND DUMPED ME, I WOULD STILL BE AT GEELONG GRAMMAR!!!!!!!! I WOULD STILL HAVE EVERYTHING!!!!!!
on top of that, when we were talking about monday night (that was the post i was gunna make in IST but never got around to it and never will), he said that he was bored and that if we had sex he would probably start likeing me again! can you fukcing believe that!!!???!?! i FUCKING RUBBED HIS FUCKING COCK FOR LITERALLY FUCKING TWO HOURS WITH HIM PRESSURING ME THE WHOLE TIME TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH!!! and i was going to. i was going to give him head that night, until he started asking for it, over and over and over. not only that, he wouldnt return anything!! WTF?? he fingered me like twice, not over 30 secs each time, then was like, this is tiring for my hand. and i was like are you fucking kidding me?> how is my hand after all that????/
then we thought it would be a great idea to have sex, remembering that this whole time, he actually doesnt love me, and that he is the biggest dick in the world, but thank god we didnt coz he said was too tired and that sex was too much work for the guy and too good for the girl (he actually said that. WTFF!?!)
I FUCKING HATE HIM!!
i had a mini fuming sesh with lara this morning. she gets it.
coz i loved him, and i was ready to give him ALL my love.
but he didnt love me back, and he was willing to take everything i had anyway. (if it wasnt for his laziness..that actually makes me laugh. his own laziness got in the way of being an even bigger dick..i love lazy people). but seriously!?! he considered it for a good while. he even said "yeah, lets. ive got a condom." then i said "but then again, i have a virginity" and THEN he pulled the yeah im tired card.
he was fullz gunna take it. fuckerrr.
I HATE HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
SOOOOOO FUCKING MUCH.
Thursday
i got a voicemail from harley and its like we have to talk. i called him back and hs like what are we doing do you still wanna go out i dont see the point you should hate me etc and im like yeah i still wanna be with you coz i love you etc and now hes gunna call me tonight. i cant let him dump me. also, today in science we had to watch a video about a kid who studied wombats at timbertop and it was shot on campus and i just bawled my eyes out in class and it was mega awkward coz everyones like awww do you wanna go to the bathroom and im like fuck no im wathcing every second of the footage of my home. third, i completely missed last period coz i forgot. not even kidding, i forgot to go to class and cught th bus to work hahaaha how retardded am i?
quite a funny day..im such a downer :)
i cant help but laugh at myself.
last night i had a terrible night. i wish i could have called lily :l
i cant stand another person telling me to dump hj. cam is going at me about it all the time, sos lara. i dont really care that laras doing it actually, coz i respect her opinion and we have an agreement that shes allowed to hate him on behalf of both of us coz i dont hate him :) it just that cam doesnt know what the fuck hes talking about. he doesnt know what hurting is like and how much being with hj kinda feels like someone gets it, even though i know oh so well that he doesnt get my pain at all. he gets me, but he doesnt get my pain. cams complaining about his love life and all this crap and i cant stand how whiney he can sound. i feel terrible for saying that but this is my space to just say wtf i like and get away with it. i hate how he called me last night and i said hi cam, then i had to continue screaming at my brother to clean up after himself and to stop calling me a slut because i wasnt one and i was getting really worked up at him and kinda forgot i was on the phone to cam and then i realised and i went to my room and was like hi...sorry about that.. how are you? and hes like yeah you know that holly girl youve kinda reconnected me with? (he did tennis with her when he was tiny and she goes to my school and happend to mention it to me and i told him do you remember this girl and hes like no is she hot and im like yes very and now hes tryig to get with someone he didnt even remember he knew and just wants to try and get with coz she hot). yeah hes like im taking to her on fb and its awkward and im like COOL I DONT CARE IM KINDA DEALING WITH BIGGER ISSUES. but of course i didnt say that coz im calm and collected in stressful situations. then he said that he told her hey from me to get conversation going and im like ARE YOU RETARDED I DONT EVEN KNOW THIS GIRL WE SPOKE ONCE AND NOW YOUR THINKING TO BRING ME INTO IT!!? cept of course i didnt say that.
am i retarded?
quite a funny day..im such a downer :)
i cant help but laugh at myself.
last night i had a terrible night. i wish i could have called lily :l
i cant stand another person telling me to dump hj. cam is going at me about it all the time, sos lara. i dont really care that laras doing it actually, coz i respect her opinion and we have an agreement that shes allowed to hate him on behalf of both of us coz i dont hate him :) it just that cam doesnt know what the fuck hes talking about. he doesnt know what hurting is like and how much being with hj kinda feels like someone gets it, even though i know oh so well that he doesnt get my pain at all. he gets me, but he doesnt get my pain. cams complaining about his love life and all this crap and i cant stand how whiney he can sound. i feel terrible for saying that but this is my space to just say wtf i like and get away with it. i hate how he called me last night and i said hi cam, then i had to continue screaming at my brother to clean up after himself and to stop calling me a slut because i wasnt one and i was getting really worked up at him and kinda forgot i was on the phone to cam and then i realised and i went to my room and was like hi...sorry about that.. how are you? and hes like yeah you know that holly girl youve kinda reconnected me with? (he did tennis with her when he was tiny and she goes to my school and happend to mention it to me and i told him do you remember this girl and hes like no is she hot and im like yes very and now hes tryig to get with someone he didnt even remember he knew and just wants to try and get with coz she hot). yeah hes like im taking to her on fb and its awkward and im like COOL I DONT CARE IM KINDA DEALING WITH BIGGER ISSUES. but of course i didnt say that coz im calm and collected in stressful situations. then he said that he told her hey from me to get conversation going and im like ARE YOU RETARDED I DONT EVEN KNOW THIS GIRL WE SPOKE ONCE AND NOW YOUR THINKING TO BRING ME INTO IT!!? cept of course i didnt say that.
am i retarded?
Wednesday
yeah that was short lived
have you ever felt like you have completely and utterly noone? like you can pick up the phone when your screaming in tears and not have a clue in the world who to call?
in the last two days my life has come crumbling
IF ONLY THE FUCKING WORLD KNEW WHAT CRUMBLING FUCKING WAS
I HATE EVERY FUCKING KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO HAS EVER FUCKING CRIED OR COMPLAINED ABOUT THEIR PERFECT FUCKING LIVES
i cant do this. you dont undestand. everything is.. gone
i talked to kirsty today coz shes out of timbertop early coz she cant handle it. she said that scarlett said (who used to go to mggs) that mggs is so bitchy and mean and that i would probably hate it. scarlett was in the most popular group at mggs. if she thought it was bitchy, how the fuck am i going to handle it?
i dont want to fucking go. but dads told me that he spoke to the fucing registrar and that all signs are go.
im not fucking going.
its results arent THAT fucking good. only 10% of thier VCE (HSC equivilent) students for 99% or higher.
i want to go to abbotsleigh.
or another melbourne school. because mum says that by going to a melbourne school i will have connections in both cities for when im older and need them. which is a fair point. right now i have to think about my future, not what i need short term.
i need a mid sized all girls boarding school with outstanding results. that is the type of school i know i need, through trial and error.
i hATE this. i hate that my entire future is in jeopardy. i hate this. im already enrolled at mggs. what do i do?
i cant go there. icant.
my future relys on this school. i need my 99%s to get what i want without geelong grammar.
fuck fuck fuck fuck balls.
in the last two days my life has come crumbling
IF ONLY THE FUCKING WORLD KNEW WHAT CRUMBLING FUCKING WAS
I HATE EVERY FUCKING KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO HAS EVER FUCKING CRIED OR COMPLAINED ABOUT THEIR PERFECT FUCKING LIVES
i cant do this. you dont undestand. everything is.. gone
i talked to kirsty today coz shes out of timbertop early coz she cant handle it. she said that scarlett said (who used to go to mggs) that mggs is so bitchy and mean and that i would probably hate it. scarlett was in the most popular group at mggs. if she thought it was bitchy, how the fuck am i going to handle it?
i dont want to fucking go. but dads told me that he spoke to the fucing registrar and that all signs are go.
im not fucking going.
its results arent THAT fucking good. only 10% of thier VCE (HSC equivilent) students for 99% or higher.
i want to go to abbotsleigh.
or another melbourne school. because mum says that by going to a melbourne school i will have connections in both cities for when im older and need them. which is a fair point. right now i have to think about my future, not what i need short term.
i need a mid sized all girls boarding school with outstanding results. that is the type of school i know i need, through trial and error.
i hATE this. i hate that my entire future is in jeopardy. i hate this. im already enrolled at mggs. what do i do?
i cant go there. icant.
my future relys on this school. i need my 99%s to get what i want without geelong grammar.
fuck fuck fuck fuck balls.
Tuesday
oh my god i have so much to write yet i cannot be bothered. gahhh ill type it tomorrow in IST, because i will be next to tom pym, who is actually so gay, and i wont have much to do. for now i need sleep, i was up til 4.30 this morning and then had to get up at 7.
because i snuck out and did shit with my boyfriend in a public park ;)
haha ill write about it tomorrow :)
you know what concert we need to go to? the killers.
and i fully agree that we need to meet older guys. im over immaturity from the boy species. i need a MAN.
feel like boarding at melbourne girls grammar with me?
i cried til i vomited tonight.
wow i have a lot to write and relatively little will power.
because i snuck out and did shit with my boyfriend in a public park ;)
haha ill write about it tomorrow :)
you know what concert we need to go to? the killers.
and i fully agree that we need to meet older guys. im over immaturity from the boy species. i need a MAN.
feel like boarding at melbourne girls grammar with me?
i cried til i vomited tonight.
wow i have a lot to write and relatively little will power.
Sunday
five dorrar
i have daydreams about us, you know
but theyre set at nighttime
theres one that we have a boombox, or a stereo but i dont know where the power is coming from
im wearing my frayed bleached shorts, my knee boots, two singlets and two necklaces (there is two of us you see). you are wearing those tiny blue supre shorts that you have, and a baggyish black top, and a long necklace but no shoes.
were both wearing our wedding rings.
later in the night i take off my shoes, but for now their on.
so we have this boombox, and its in the middle of chinamans park. its playing really loud clubbish music and were dancing like we dont give a fuck. were both tipsy, verging on drunk, and clutching a beer in one hand. but we dont drink much after that corona. coz being tipsy is funner than being blind drunk. in my opinion.
anyway. were dancing around and having the best time with the music and theres so much love between us and the music.
theres other people there too, people we love too.but were the wildest and dancing the hardest. the others sortof stop dancing after a while and its us, and theyre just talking happily around us as ther looking on.
and we have a wild sweaty night. we do eventually break away from the music but were still sortof dancing around the place casually.
you go up to one of our friends and dance with him and before long your lips are locked and i find myself smiling for you. later, when we sleep together, you whisper to me the stories of what you got up to with that boy.
when your kissing him, a boy comes up behind me and holds my waist. i dont look and cant see who he is, but he kisses down my sweaty neck starting and my ear and working down past my collarbone. everyone can see us, but everyone loves each other at this occaision and ther is no judgement on anyone.
he kisses me along my collarbone (all this time i dont know who he is as hes behind me and leaning down over my shoulder) (hes tall) (clearly). then he spins me around and takes me to the music and we dance in a sweaty heaven until were exhausted and go and lie in the grass and just look at the sky silently. at this time your on the beach with your boy and god knows what is happening because youre hot and you always score what you want ;)
eventaully you come up and come and stand near me and hold your hand out to help me up. i grab it and you pull me into your embrace. your covered in salt and sand and i cant help but think your beautiful. i dont know where your boy is. my boy is lying down still and i dont say anything as we walk away because we have been silent all night and i didnt want to break that.
so we walk away and sit under a tree back with the rest of the people and find a comfy position for both of us like that time on the lovesac at jasmines.
you find a cigarette on the ground and this time you have the matches in your bra but ther wet because youve been in the ocean. so we wander to a girl and she lights it for you.
we share it because thats what bestfriends do.
after a while we decide we love music and we go and find a bout of energy we didnt know we had and go absoloutely hyper dancing crazily. this time everyone joins us and its like a massive sweaty moshpit but with a bigger sense of love in it. everyone is grinding against each other and no one can really breathe and just have to jump with the rest of us.
so we jump because we dont know the song but dont care either.
eventually were tired and we go back to a house, its not yours and its not mine, but its where everyone goes, and we all sleep in the one room and its packed to the brim. we find a small patch of carpet and curl up in a ball on it. your the little spoon but your curled into a ball so i can wrap all the way around you. we sleep and wake up with the sun on our exhausted bodies. only a few people are awake, the rest are sprawled around the place, more disorganised than last night.
the awake people and us gather and drink orange juice out of the carton straight but of course you dont have any because you DONT LIKE THE TEXTURE. but i offer you anyway and i take your sip when you say no because im a greedy fuck that likes orange juice.
people eventually all wake up and then we realise theres no more orange juice and we dont have food and that we should have planned a bit better. but i mean, who plans these days?
so were happy in our hungry and hungover bodies that beg us to take better care of them.
well lie in the sun for the rest of the day and probably regret that when we fry. but everythings okay because we have a frozen frenchfry for five dorrar.
then we get up, go out, and do it all again.
:)
but theyre set at nighttime
theres one that we have a boombox, or a stereo but i dont know where the power is coming from
im wearing my frayed bleached shorts, my knee boots, two singlets and two necklaces (there is two of us you see). you are wearing those tiny blue supre shorts that you have, and a baggyish black top, and a long necklace but no shoes.
were both wearing our wedding rings.
later in the night i take off my shoes, but for now their on.
so we have this boombox, and its in the middle of chinamans park. its playing really loud clubbish music and were dancing like we dont give a fuck. were both tipsy, verging on drunk, and clutching a beer in one hand. but we dont drink much after that corona. coz being tipsy is funner than being blind drunk. in my opinion.
anyway. were dancing around and having the best time with the music and theres so much love between us and the music.
theres other people there too, people we love too.but were the wildest and dancing the hardest. the others sortof stop dancing after a while and its us, and theyre just talking happily around us as ther looking on.
and we have a wild sweaty night. we do eventually break away from the music but were still sortof dancing around the place casually.
you go up to one of our friends and dance with him and before long your lips are locked and i find myself smiling for you. later, when we sleep together, you whisper to me the stories of what you got up to with that boy.
when your kissing him, a boy comes up behind me and holds my waist. i dont look and cant see who he is, but he kisses down my sweaty neck starting and my ear and working down past my collarbone. everyone can see us, but everyone loves each other at this occaision and ther is no judgement on anyone.
he kisses me along my collarbone (all this time i dont know who he is as hes behind me and leaning down over my shoulder) (hes tall) (clearly). then he spins me around and takes me to the music and we dance in a sweaty heaven until were exhausted and go and lie in the grass and just look at the sky silently. at this time your on the beach with your boy and god knows what is happening because youre hot and you always score what you want ;)
eventaully you come up and come and stand near me and hold your hand out to help me up. i grab it and you pull me into your embrace. your covered in salt and sand and i cant help but think your beautiful. i dont know where your boy is. my boy is lying down still and i dont say anything as we walk away because we have been silent all night and i didnt want to break that.
so we walk away and sit under a tree back with the rest of the people and find a comfy position for both of us like that time on the lovesac at jasmines.
you find a cigarette on the ground and this time you have the matches in your bra but ther wet because youve been in the ocean. so we wander to a girl and she lights it for you.
we share it because thats what bestfriends do.
after a while we decide we love music and we go and find a bout of energy we didnt know we had and go absoloutely hyper dancing crazily. this time everyone joins us and its like a massive sweaty moshpit but with a bigger sense of love in it. everyone is grinding against each other and no one can really breathe and just have to jump with the rest of us.
so we jump because we dont know the song but dont care either.
eventually were tired and we go back to a house, its not yours and its not mine, but its where everyone goes, and we all sleep in the one room and its packed to the brim. we find a small patch of carpet and curl up in a ball on it. your the little spoon but your curled into a ball so i can wrap all the way around you. we sleep and wake up with the sun on our exhausted bodies. only a few people are awake, the rest are sprawled around the place, more disorganised than last night.
the awake people and us gather and drink orange juice out of the carton straight but of course you dont have any because you DONT LIKE THE TEXTURE. but i offer you anyway and i take your sip when you say no because im a greedy fuck that likes orange juice.
people eventually all wake up and then we realise theres no more orange juice and we dont have food and that we should have planned a bit better. but i mean, who plans these days?
so were happy in our hungry and hungover bodies that beg us to take better care of them.
well lie in the sun for the rest of the day and probably regret that when we fry. but everythings okay because we have a frozen frenchfry for five dorrar.
then we get up, go out, and do it all again.
:)
whats wrong with the world mama?
im going to melbourne tomorrow night so i can see melbourne girls on tuesday..i might sneak out tomorrow night..to see you know who.. because the apartment is actually possible to sneak out of.. and im horny as shit
:) me so cheap. me so tacky. me so happy :)
:) me so cheap. me so tacky. me so happy :)
Friday
i read these lyrics over and over last night.. ther just so true :) read them
What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all
People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)
It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?
People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found
People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(fade)
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all
People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)
It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?
People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found
People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(fade)
hold me closer tiny dancer
Blue jean baby
L.A. lady
seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed
pirate smile
you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her
dancing in the sand
And now she's in me
always with me
tiny dancer in my hand
Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad
Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Blue jean baby
L.A. lady
seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed
pirate smile
you'll marry a music man
Ballerina
you should have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me
always with me
tiny dancer in my hand
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
L.A. lady
seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed
pirate smile
you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her
dancing in the sand
And now she's in me
always with me
tiny dancer in my hand
Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad
Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Blue jean baby
L.A. lady
seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed
pirate smile
you'll marry a music man
Ballerina
you should have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me
always with me
tiny dancer in my hand
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
Wednesday
today i put in film to be developed.
some is gunna be from timbertop.
prepare for ouch.
i got a letter form kirsty and she says that im luck to have you because she knows that you will always be there for me and that you love me alot. which is cute coz shes never met you yet thinks so highly of you :) which is probably becuase i think so highly of you :)
wanna know a secret? im leaving st andrews next week. but shhhhhh because nobody knows and nobody can know until after im gone or not long before. because then theres no awkward "i never really knew you but okay your leaving bye" goodbyes.
yay thats a beautiful four schools in 12 months.
one day my life will be on track. until then everyone should listen to lady gaga's teeth. because its raunchy and doesnt really make sense. yay :)
goldfishgoldfishgoldfish BOO
mahhhh i think im going for afternoon tea with my mummy now.
oh another secret im not going to school tomorrow either coz im touring abbotsleigh. nor next thursday coz im at melbourne girls.
pretty much im getting out of st andrews asap bro coz that is how i roll a duck down the road.
shhhhhhhh let me trust you
love
some is gunna be from timbertop.
prepare for ouch.
i got a letter form kirsty and she says that im luck to have you because she knows that you will always be there for me and that you love me alot. which is cute coz shes never met you yet thinks so highly of you :) which is probably becuase i think so highly of you :)
wanna know a secret? im leaving st andrews next week. but shhhhhh because nobody knows and nobody can know until after im gone or not long before. because then theres no awkward "i never really knew you but okay your leaving bye" goodbyes.
yay thats a beautiful four schools in 12 months.
one day my life will be on track. until then everyone should listen to lady gaga's teeth. because its raunchy and doesnt really make sense. yay :)
goldfishgoldfishgoldfish BOO
mahhhh i think im going for afternoon tea with my mummy now.
oh another secret im not going to school tomorrow either coz im touring abbotsleigh. nor next thursday coz im at melbourne girls.
pretty much im getting out of st andrews asap bro coz that is how i roll a duck down the road.
shhhhhhhh let me trust you
love
Tuesday
Monday
Sunday
woahh
ive had the biggest talk with my parents everrr about my future and crap.
fuck cbf blogging about it.
i saw jaz today because by chance she happened to be at the beach when my boat anchored there and she swam out and theres no way my parents would have said "we have locked natalia inside, you cant see her. swim back 500m to shore now."
haha :) i love jj.
so im still looking at schools for next year. melbourne girls grammar is my best melbourne school, cept hjs older sister goes there which my parents are hesitant about (she started there 4 days ago). abbotsleigh is my best sydney school, but they dont have a boarding place, just as a day student. and because of my box filled mind i dunno if i can deal with day school.
i have had just about every type of school there is.
-the tiny tiny only a few kids school
-the public school
-the small, tight knit girls school
-the hardcore outdoors school
-the slutty/potty/scandal cbd school
-then next year will be the massive, highly acedemic school
long skirts will become the new normal, like foundation has become the new normal now.
next year i get my social life back :) right now im thinking abbotsleigh. im still researching. but i like sydney and abbotsleigh has the results i want. also, mggs can be very social, and whilst that is great, it can also mean bitchy. im all about the lovin :)
fuck cbf blogging about it.
i saw jaz today because by chance she happened to be at the beach when my boat anchored there and she swam out and theres no way my parents would have said "we have locked natalia inside, you cant see her. swim back 500m to shore now."
haha :) i love jj.
so im still looking at schools for next year. melbourne girls grammar is my best melbourne school, cept hjs older sister goes there which my parents are hesitant about (she started there 4 days ago). abbotsleigh is my best sydney school, but they dont have a boarding place, just as a day student. and because of my box filled mind i dunno if i can deal with day school.
i have had just about every type of school there is.
-the tiny tiny only a few kids school
-the public school
-the small, tight knit girls school
-the hardcore outdoors school
-the slutty/potty/scandal cbd school
-then next year will be the massive, highly acedemic school
long skirts will become the new normal, like foundation has become the new normal now.
next year i get my social life back :) right now im thinking abbotsleigh. im still researching. but i like sydney and abbotsleigh has the results i want. also, mggs can be very social, and whilst that is great, it can also mean bitchy. im all about the lovin :)
Saturday
Friday
Thursday
numb nutter has checked her comments
they really should have a thing on here that alerts you of your comments.
okayokay :) run. run run run :)
ill be in my sports uniform. ill see you asap brother. ill find you :) try and get there asap :)
ive stolen my brothers phone, ill text you with it tomorrow. you can reply to that number too to keep it all simple and only one set of texts to delete yo?
oooooo this is exciting :)
okayokay :) run. run run run :)
ill be in my sports uniform. ill see you asap brother. ill find you :) try and get there asap :)
ive stolen my brothers phone, ill text you with it tomorrow. you can reply to that number too to keep it all simple and only one set of texts to delete yo?
oooooo this is exciting :)
moo
laras not in my commerce class, which is the class going to luna :/
i have a genius plan. im not sure how its going to work, but im thinking steal oscars phone ? :) yess.
what time approximately will i see you in all your beauty?
i have a genius plan. im not sure how its going to work, but im thinking steal oscars phone ? :) yess.
what time approximately will i see you in all your beauty?
8906
i dont think i can go to jasmines. i hate it.
please let tomorrow be possible, i need to see you lovely.
text me 0428006235 when your there and where exactly and any other info that you know i would ask for if i could reply.
what time approx do you think?
god i hope this works :)
please let tomorrow be possible, i need to see you lovely.
text me 0428006235 when your there and where exactly and any other info that you know i would ask for if i could reply.
what time approx do you think?
god i hope this works :)
LILY
tomorrow i have an excursion to luna park. is there any chance we could "happen to be at the same place at the same time"???
anything? anyway possible? let me know, cuz its killing me.
its just down the road from wenona. rides open at 11, when our talk ends and theres just free time on the rides. you could come down during lunch, or wag somepart of the day? we probs have to leave at 2.30ish.
anyway possible?
love you so much
anything? anyway possible? let me know, cuz its killing me.
its just down the road from wenona. rides open at 11, when our talk ends and theres just free time on the rides. you could come down during lunch, or wag somepart of the day? we probs have to leave at 2.30ish.
anyway possible?
love you so much
Tuesday
I really did have everything. i had the biggest future anyone will ever have. i went to the FOURTH BEST SCHOOL IN THE WORLD. THE NUMBER ONE IN AUSTRALIA. i was gunna be great. Harvard Law School and all. i know how i sound to the outside world, like a shit. but it matters to me. it really does. i had so much, and it was thrown away in the matter of seconds.
i should have listened to all of the warnings. the warnings given to me by EVERYONE around me. EVERYONE. i need to learn to fucking listen.
i had some of the most amazing people in the world in my unit, and i lost their love and respect at the same time i lost love and respect for myself.
my parents wont trust me again.
i feel ive unintentionally pushed lililil too far away to reach her ;( dont let this be true.
i hate how it sounds like im exaggerating with all this. i wish i was exaggerating. i wish it was just some fantasy in my head for drama in my life. i wish i could have my life back.
sarah thinks "ur brain will start to cope with the grieving of this tragedy anywhere from in a months time to a few years. eventually your brain will allow you to slowly start enjoying yourself again, and you will see a new future for yourself. maybe not a future that you had imagined or wanted, but a future nonetheless. everything happens for a reason, you are just yet to find out why god has thrown this at you"
i like her :) she tells me stuff i can use.
last year when i thought my life was so hard, ohmygod i wanna stab my past self. i didnt have a clue what hard meant, yet i carried on and moaned about my life like my mum had died or something. i learnt what hard was the hard way. the incredibly hard way.
i still have flashbacks of moments in those last few hours. ive run it through my brain a thousand times and more. every image is crystal clear.
i dont want to have to think about it at all. not even the good times, because they remind me of how i want more good times, and how that will never be possible.
fuckmyfuckup.
i shouldnt be in this city. i shouldnt be in this bed. i dont belong here. i belong in a cold bed in rural victoria.
i should have listened to all of the warnings. the warnings given to me by EVERYONE around me. EVERYONE. i need to learn to fucking listen.
i had some of the most amazing people in the world in my unit, and i lost their love and respect at the same time i lost love and respect for myself.
my parents wont trust me again.
i feel ive unintentionally pushed lililil too far away to reach her ;( dont let this be true.
i hate how it sounds like im exaggerating with all this. i wish i was exaggerating. i wish it was just some fantasy in my head for drama in my life. i wish i could have my life back.
sarah thinks "ur brain will start to cope with the grieving of this tragedy anywhere from in a months time to a few years. eventually your brain will allow you to slowly start enjoying yourself again, and you will see a new future for yourself. maybe not a future that you had imagined or wanted, but a future nonetheless. everything happens for a reason, you are just yet to find out why god has thrown this at you"
i like her :) she tells me stuff i can use.
last year when i thought my life was so hard, ohmygod i wanna stab my past self. i didnt have a clue what hard meant, yet i carried on and moaned about my life like my mum had died or something. i learnt what hard was the hard way. the incredibly hard way.
i still have flashbacks of moments in those last few hours. ive run it through my brain a thousand times and more. every image is crystal clear.
i dont want to have to think about it at all. not even the good times, because they remind me of how i want more good times, and how that will never be possible.
fuckmyfuckup.
i shouldnt be in this city. i shouldnt be in this bed. i dont belong here. i belong in a cold bed in rural victoria.
kinkin
im really looking forward to my next session with sarah.. i know what im going to say.
im so lonely. i feel so alone at saint andrews, i dont think anyone really knows or cares about me. but saint andrews is the only place where i can be, apart from at home. I HATE GROUNDING. I HATE IT. i dont even have facebook or anything.
my grounding has made it even harder to fit in at sacs cuz i cant talk to people on fb or go to parties or anything.
so there are two and a half categories in my life right now. home, school and half work. cuz work has relatively no impact on my life, cept for $$$ :)
which sucks cuz i used to have a lot more categories in my life. categories that were much bigger than the above two. i had EVERYTHING.
fuck i hate listening to myself blog. seriously.
im so lonely. i feel so alone at saint andrews, i dont think anyone really knows or cares about me. but saint andrews is the only place where i can be, apart from at home. I HATE GROUNDING. I HATE IT. i dont even have facebook or anything.
my grounding has made it even harder to fit in at sacs cuz i cant talk to people on fb or go to parties or anything.
so there are two and a half categories in my life right now. home, school and half work. cuz work has relatively no impact on my life, cept for $$$ :)
which sucks cuz i used to have a lot more categories in my life. categories that were much bigger than the above two. i had EVERYTHING.
fuck i hate listening to myself blog. seriously.
shizz in my jizz
remind me to finish my painting with a gold wash. also remind me to clean my fishtank. also remind me to write to lucy, kate, annabel, annabelle and mia.
Poo has a scale missing.
Poo has a scale missing.
Monday
details
its a mega long shot. i highly doubt it. but i will try, boy will i try.
can i have details for jjs thing? times, gathering or party, whos going (trust me, my mum will want to know) etc? and is it THIS saturday?
wish wish wish
can i have details for jjs thing? times, gathering or party, whos going (trust me, my mum will want to know) etc? and is it THIS saturday?
wish wish wish
goldfish
I GOT GOLDFISH ON SUNDAY.
i got three of them and they live in my room with me. i feed them twice a day (before i leave for school and as soon as i get home) and sometimes just before i go to bed (if they are starting to eat the (live) plants i have in thier vase). one has tiny black lips that i didnt notice when i first picked him. his name isnt definite yet, but im thinking of calling him steiner :) then i have one with a white belly, her name is Sophia. then i have one that is entirely orange, but is extra shiny. Her name is Poo, which is actually short for Lily Poo Poo, but i like just calling her Poo:)
I will clean the vase and change the water and trim the plants every saturday after work. at this time i think i will take them out with my mothers tea strainer and put them in individual tall glasses and admire them for a while :)
i love not being alone in my room anymore. at least i have SOMEONE. theres not fourteen of them, but you know, i love them all the same.
if i lay really still at night and turn my laptop off, i can hear thier bubbles :) its the most amazing thing to listen to. every twenty seconds or so there is this tiny tiny eensy sound, and it is so peaceful.
I love them :) they are so cute. Sarah my kinesiologist recommended i get a kitten, but seeing as im not there during the day to keep it entertained and that if i end up moving to a boarding school, i might not be able to take care of her properly and give her the love she deserves. so i got goldfish :)
Sarah is so lovely. i really opened up to her about everything for the first time last week. i mean, i always open up to her because i love her and she really helps me, but this time i REALLY opened up. i mean i turned into a crying girl showing her heartache, and she was really happy for me to be able to do that in front of her. and she also accepted i didnt want to lie on the table for this session, that i just wanted to talk and cry and try and explain my life and how much ive screwed it up. also, because she is a medical professional, i was allowed to tell her EXACTLY what happened, because she cant tell anyone. so, apart from my parents, shes the only one who knows my dirty secrets ;)
kidding. about the dirty bit.
to lily, i love you very very much. im sorry about how much i have hurt you, and i wish with all my heart just to be able to make it all better. i wish i could start this year over, and include you more. im so sorry that i cant tell you some things, its not my choice i swear. if i was allowed i would tell you in a heartbeat. and i know that i could break rules if i had to, but im not a rulebreaker. not anymore. please dont assume things. just because i cant tell you doesnt mean its that bad. i think. i know how it feels to not know things, i hate it so much. if someone told me what i am telling you i would want to stab them in the face. if someone put me through what i have put you through, i would want to stab them in the face.
lil, sometimes i see us as a married couple, the grown up type. i see me as the man who has left and sends money every month to pay for child welfare. i see you as the beautiful yet aged beyond her years wife, that is at home doing everything that i never did. i see you as taking care of our child alone, and i am never there to help. i think the money i send at the end of the month is a representation of my letters from timbertop. i sent them, but i was still not THERE when you needed me. that no matter how hard i tried, those letters would never be enough. i know they were never enough.
have you read house rules by jodi picoult? if so, it is pretty much a perfect representation of how i see us. you are the hardworking mother and i am the dad that left and lives in another state. at the end of the book, he tries to get back into the mums life and fix all the hurt he has caused, but he cant. he has already pushed himself too far away.
i hope that doesnt happen to us. i hope im not too far away.
i got three of them and they live in my room with me. i feed them twice a day (before i leave for school and as soon as i get home) and sometimes just before i go to bed (if they are starting to eat the (live) plants i have in thier vase). one has tiny black lips that i didnt notice when i first picked him. his name isnt definite yet, but im thinking of calling him steiner :) then i have one with a white belly, her name is Sophia. then i have one that is entirely orange, but is extra shiny. Her name is Poo, which is actually short for Lily Poo Poo, but i like just calling her Poo:)
I will clean the vase and change the water and trim the plants every saturday after work. at this time i think i will take them out with my mothers tea strainer and put them in individual tall glasses and admire them for a while :)
i love not being alone in my room anymore. at least i have SOMEONE. theres not fourteen of them, but you know, i love them all the same.
if i lay really still at night and turn my laptop off, i can hear thier bubbles :) its the most amazing thing to listen to. every twenty seconds or so there is this tiny tiny eensy sound, and it is so peaceful.
I love them :) they are so cute. Sarah my kinesiologist recommended i get a kitten, but seeing as im not there during the day to keep it entertained and that if i end up moving to a boarding school, i might not be able to take care of her properly and give her the love she deserves. so i got goldfish :)
Sarah is so lovely. i really opened up to her about everything for the first time last week. i mean, i always open up to her because i love her and she really helps me, but this time i REALLY opened up. i mean i turned into a crying girl showing her heartache, and she was really happy for me to be able to do that in front of her. and she also accepted i didnt want to lie on the table for this session, that i just wanted to talk and cry and try and explain my life and how much ive screwed it up. also, because she is a medical professional, i was allowed to tell her EXACTLY what happened, because she cant tell anyone. so, apart from my parents, shes the only one who knows my dirty secrets ;)
kidding. about the dirty bit.
to lily, i love you very very much. im sorry about how much i have hurt you, and i wish with all my heart just to be able to make it all better. i wish i could start this year over, and include you more. im so sorry that i cant tell you some things, its not my choice i swear. if i was allowed i would tell you in a heartbeat. and i know that i could break rules if i had to, but im not a rulebreaker. not anymore. please dont assume things. just because i cant tell you doesnt mean its that bad. i think. i know how it feels to not know things, i hate it so much. if someone told me what i am telling you i would want to stab them in the face. if someone put me through what i have put you through, i would want to stab them in the face.
lil, sometimes i see us as a married couple, the grown up type. i see me as the man who has left and sends money every month to pay for child welfare. i see you as the beautiful yet aged beyond her years wife, that is at home doing everything that i never did. i see you as taking care of our child alone, and i am never there to help. i think the money i send at the end of the month is a representation of my letters from timbertop. i sent them, but i was still not THERE when you needed me. that no matter how hard i tried, those letters would never be enough. i know they were never enough.
have you read house rules by jodi picoult? if so, it is pretty much a perfect representation of how i see us. you are the hardworking mother and i am the dad that left and lives in another state. at the end of the book, he tries to get back into the mums life and fix all the hurt he has caused, but he cant. he has already pushed himself too far away.
i hope that doesnt happen to us. i hope im not too far away.
hello
hello, my name is natalia and i love blogging. i may not get around to it as much as i would love to, but i do love it when i do.
i believe the best blogging is done from a laptop whilst in bed. writing on a desktop at at desk is way too stressful, and stressful is a mood i would like to avoid having on my blog.
beds are comfortable. especially with six pillows behind you. :)
i believe the best blogging is done from a laptop whilst in bed. writing on a desktop at at desk is way too stressful, and stressful is a mood i would like to avoid having on my blog.
beds are comfortable. especially with six pillows behind you. :)
Friday
sacs
i think is getting sick of me.
because my new girl "be nice shes new" sheen has worn off, i think i just annoy everyone. which sucks a megadick because i dont know what i can do to make people like me. because at sacs, you have to have people like you. which sucks a megadick because i dont like having to say how do i get people to like me.
lara used to be nice to me :)
i like sophia. shes not like everyone else. she doesnt do drugs and shes really positive. and she makes me feel good :)
i have been to wayyy too many schools. if i get this thing im going for next year ill be up to 6 schools in my life. which is a stupid number. 3 would be a better number.
__
_____
i just want to be accepted at sacs. i dont get how everyone was nice and now i dont know them.
fuckmyfuckup
because my new girl "be nice shes new" sheen has worn off, i think i just annoy everyone. which sucks a megadick because i dont know what i can do to make people like me. because at sacs, you have to have people like you. which sucks a megadick because i dont like having to say how do i get people to like me.
lara used to be nice to me :)
i like sophia. shes not like everyone else. she doesnt do drugs and shes really positive. and she makes me feel good :)
i have been to wayyy too many schools. if i get this thing im going for next year ill be up to 6 schools in my life. which is a stupid number. 3 would be a better number.
__
_____
i just want to be accepted at sacs. i dont get how everyone was nice and now i dont know them.
fuckmyfuckup
.
i have broken so much that i need to repair
give me time
give me time
give me time
in every aspect of my life. i have broken everything. wenona, timbertop, sacs, home. i have fucked up. i have pretty much fucked up every relationship in my life.
so i become a one man wolf pack :)
what do i do? seriously.everywhere, theres empty shells of where i used to be. few memories that cant be duplicated? where am i now? i dont even know.
give me time
give me time
give me time
in every aspect of my life. i have broken everything. wenona, timbertop, sacs, home. i have fucked up. i have pretty much fucked up every relationship in my life.
so i become a one man wolf pack :)
what do i do? seriously.everywhere, theres empty shells of where i used to be. few memories that cant be duplicated? where am i now? i dont even know.
boys boys boys we like boys in carsss boys boys boys buy us drinks in barsss
if that song didnt remind me so much of good memories of timbertop, i would put it on my ipod.
so. turns out that amber knows stiener quite well, and that you lily poo poo would have met him but i think plans changed.
fyi lara and henry are officially a couple as of i think monday last week. he was high when he asked her out.
this kid tom pym likes me. wich is awkies. coz hes little. but hes sweet :) but no. defs not.
i havnt done shit in about five weeks im horny as hell. someone fuck me before i become a rape suspect.
i dont remember being this horny. because before mr harley james over there, i didnt realllyyy do much shit. after it became pretty much a daily habit, when you take it away its like argh. like a drug addict having thiere cocaine taken away, it hurts. but if you have never done cocaine or do it rarely, your not gunna miss it all that much if someone steals your stash. does that make sense?
i need dick.
stiener dickkkkk. apparently russians are verryy well hung ;)
omg i would die if anyone saw this.
lara says if i do shit with stiener everyones respect levels for me would go wayyyy down. haha.
so. turns out that amber knows stiener quite well, and that you lily poo poo would have met him but i think plans changed.
fyi lara and henry are officially a couple as of i think monday last week. he was high when he asked her out.
this kid tom pym likes me. wich is awkies. coz hes little. but hes sweet :) but no. defs not.
i havnt done shit in about five weeks im horny as hell. someone fuck me before i become a rape suspect.
i dont remember being this horny. because before mr harley james over there, i didnt realllyyy do much shit. after it became pretty much a daily habit, when you take it away its like argh. like a drug addict having thiere cocaine taken away, it hurts. but if you have never done cocaine or do it rarely, your not gunna miss it all that much if someone steals your stash. does that make sense?
i need dick.
stiener dickkkkk. apparently russians are verryy well hung ;)
omg i would die if anyone saw this.
lara says if i do shit with stiener everyones respect levels for me would go wayyyy down. haha.
i dont like this blog
my room is cool :) this weekend im getting the final touches. then i am to ban my family from entrance, so i can have it smelling like tobacco 24/7 and i wont get in trouble :)
its is going to be SO cool. im actually going to finish the refurb this time. i never manage to finish. but this time i will :)
its is going to be SO cool. im actually going to finish the refurb this time. i never manage to finish. but this time i will :)
what sickens me is that i dont make sense to myself
last night i did something bad.
two things actually.
but im okay :)
i didnt say who i was, so it doesnt count. but i heard.
with teh same awkardness even though i didnt have an identity. and a changed name.
i think im very smart. i didnt have the right code, so i figured it out all on my own. i was rather surprised to find i had figured it out correctly. now i have your code boy, watch out.
kidding :P
so now i have the oppurtunity to do it again with my identity. but there will only ever be one time, i know that. so i will do it when i am ready. when i have all my points clearly in my head. all my questions.
i wonder how the reaction will be?
idk.
two things actually.
but im okay :)
i didnt say who i was, so it doesnt count. but i heard.
with teh same awkardness even though i didnt have an identity. and a changed name.
i think im very smart. i didnt have the right code, so i figured it out all on my own. i was rather surprised to find i had figured it out correctly. now i have your code boy, watch out.
kidding :P
so now i have the oppurtunity to do it again with my identity. but there will only ever be one time, i know that. so i will do it when i am ready. when i have all my points clearly in my head. all my questions.
i wonder how the reaction will be?
idk.
Wednesday
i am in love
i got a new stereo today :)))) its massive :))
i turned the base up really high and it sounds amazing!!
the whole system is worth $350, but my dad and i haggled it down to $247. a hundred dollars off isnt too shabby. your mums vagina is a bit shabby. and scabby. and shaggy.
ohmygod i love it soo much!
the sound is amazing and it takes cds, ipods, usbs, even tapes!
its sooooo cool! love love love.
and it is so loud. the next time oscar tries to play his ac/dc louder than my music, he has something else heading for him :P hahah
it is SO cool.
the whole floor is trembling from the bass. a piece of plastic that was happily on the floor is bouncing. :DDD
i like my music LOUD.
and i like justin bieber LOUD.
I like to orgasm LOUD.
this weekend im gunna finish furnishing my room, plus my red chandilier arrives tomorrow :)) <3
i can actually feel the killers in my arse. i think thats an amazing thing to be able to feel.
today i also got new earbuds which are supposed to be better for listening to hiphop.
so now i am musically very very happy :)) its amazingggg very amazing indeed
love love love love lovepenis
and another amazing thing? i paid for it all myself! yes, someone is financially independant :)
tomorrow i think ill buy some slippers.
haha i almost wrote strippers. either or really.
maybe strippers in slippers being sippers ;) if you get waht i mean.
I MEAN THEY WILL SIP CUM.
you should probably highlight this post, just fyi.
i turned the base up really high and it sounds amazing!!
the whole system is worth $350, but my dad and i haggled it down to $247. a hundred dollars off isnt too shabby. your mums vagina is a bit shabby. and scabby. and shaggy.
ohmygod i love it soo much!
the sound is amazing and it takes cds, ipods, usbs, even tapes!
its sooooo cool! love love love.
and it is so loud. the next time oscar tries to play his ac/dc louder than my music, he has something else heading for him :P hahah
it is SO cool.
the whole floor is trembling from the bass. a piece of plastic that was happily on the floor is bouncing. :DDD
i like my music LOUD.
and i like justin bieber LOUD.
I like to orgasm LOUD.
this weekend im gunna finish furnishing my room, plus my red chandilier arrives tomorrow :)) <3
i can actually feel the killers in my arse. i think thats an amazing thing to be able to feel.
today i also got new earbuds which are supposed to be better for listening to hiphop.
so now i am musically very very happy :)) its amazingggg very amazing indeed
love love love love lovepenis
and another amazing thing? i paid for it all myself! yes, someone is financially independant :)
tomorrow i think ill buy some slippers.
haha i almost wrote strippers. either or really.
maybe strippers in slippers being sippers ;) if you get waht i mean.
I MEAN THEY WILL SIP CUM.
you should probably highlight this post, just fyi.
steiner less than three
steiner was in my dream last night.
im home sick today coz its the athletics carneval and i cbf.
anyways. stiener. im just gunna spell it like that because spelling it correctly (steiner) is way more effort. this is my space, stick it.
ANYWAY. stiener. he was in my dream. idk where we were, but i was wearing what i went to bed in (an oversized mario teeshirt that i think i bought with wiwy<3). but in the dream i was also wearing clear rayban type man glasses and they were also from jayjays. so stiener was like hey your wearing a shirt and glasses from the same place and everyones like GASP. haha. but he said it admiringly. wierd.
i cant really remember the dream, but i know we got together. we didnt go out, but we were just a thing. and he was an amazing hook. AMAZINGGGG. mmmm:)
and there was a minibus involved. which is wierd because on the way from camp to kirikee we were both on a minibus and i wanted to hook up with him because im horny and havent done shit it around a month.
in real life, yeah i do want stiener. i dont wanna go out with him coz hes a bit of a retard, but i think hes sooo hot. everyones like ew natalia its stiener hes gross. but i like it :) id tap that ;)
but i dont like him. i just think hes hot and would probably do shit with him. because i think he maybe has a nice dick. he looks like the kind of guy with a nice dick.\\
oh my god listen to me. saint andrews is sluttifying me already. gahhhh. i am going to hold on to the last shreds of my non slutifacation as tightly as possibl;e. im not going to talk about dick anymore (however lovely stieners must be) becausee maybeeeee id die if anyone saw this post.
im home sick today coz its the athletics carneval and i cbf.
anyways. stiener. im just gunna spell it like that because spelling it correctly (steiner) is way more effort. this is my space, stick it.
ANYWAY. stiener. he was in my dream. idk where we were, but i was wearing what i went to bed in (an oversized mario teeshirt that i think i bought with wiwy<3). but in the dream i was also wearing clear rayban type man glasses and they were also from jayjays. so stiener was like hey your wearing a shirt and glasses from the same place and everyones like GASP. haha. but he said it admiringly. wierd.
i cant really remember the dream, but i know we got together. we didnt go out, but we were just a thing. and he was an amazing hook. AMAZINGGGG. mmmm:)
and there was a minibus involved. which is wierd because on the way from camp to kirikee we were both on a minibus and i wanted to hook up with him because im horny and havent done shit it around a month.
in real life, yeah i do want stiener. i dont wanna go out with him coz hes a bit of a retard, but i think hes sooo hot. everyones like ew natalia its stiener hes gross. but i like it :) id tap that ;)
but i dont like him. i just think hes hot and would probably do shit with him. because i think he maybe has a nice dick. he looks like the kind of guy with a nice dick.\\
oh my god listen to me. saint andrews is sluttifying me already. gahhhh. i am going to hold on to the last shreds of my non slutifacation as tightly as possibl;e. im not going to talk about dick anymore (however lovely stieners must be) becausee maybeeeee id die if anyone saw this post.
Tuesday
a piece of a poem from my bird poems book.
Now, in the moonlight, he sits here and sings.
A thrush is singing, then a thrasher, then a jay -
Then, all at once, a cat begins meaowing.
A mockingbird can sound like anything.
He imitates the world he drove away
So well that for a minute, in the moonlight,
Which one's the mockingbird? which one's the world?
____
how amazing is that? i loveee it
actually maybe you need to read the whole poem. thats just the last bit. but i love it all the same :)
A thrush is singing, then a thrasher, then a jay -
Then, all at once, a cat begins meaowing.
A mockingbird can sound like anything.
He imitates the world he drove away
So well that for a minute, in the moonlight,
Which one's the mockingbird? which one's the world?
____
how amazing is that? i loveee it
actually maybe you need to read the whole poem. thats just the last bit. but i love it all the same :)
i dont think this makes sense, but im trying.
i dont like crayons. i like coloured pencils.
i dont like dinosaurs. i like queen victoria.
i dont like bubbles. i like steam.
i dont like picture books. i like jodi picoults.
actually kidding i like picture books. carrying on.
i dont like batman. i like boobs.
i dont like screamo. i like hiphop.
i dont like feminism. i like equality.
i dont like julia gillard because shes a woman. i like her because shes our prime minister. sorta.
i dont like art diaries. i like science textbooks.
i dont like apple juice. i like bertoni's take away cappuchino with one sugar thankyou very much have a nice day.
i dont like black hair. i like blonde hair.
__________________
this is a post that doesnt make sense to anyone outside of my head. i get it. and seeing as this is my space to do whatever, suck my dick :)
what i think im trying to say is that i dont think id like being different. i think. i hate people who try to be deep. fuck youuuuu just be who you are.
i dont even know what i think actually. all i know is that that post had some phycological meaning behind it which i have now forgotten.
onefourthree
i dont like dinosaurs. i like queen victoria.
i dont like bubbles. i like steam.
i dont like picture books. i like jodi picoults.
actually kidding i like picture books. carrying on.
i dont like batman. i like boobs.
i dont like screamo. i like hiphop.
i dont like feminism. i like equality.
i dont like julia gillard because shes a woman. i like her because shes our prime minister. sorta.
i dont like art diaries. i like science textbooks.
i dont like apple juice. i like bertoni's take away cappuchino with one sugar thankyou very much have a nice day.
i dont like black hair. i like blonde hair.
__________________
this is a post that doesnt make sense to anyone outside of my head. i get it. and seeing as this is my space to do whatever, suck my dick :)
what i think im trying to say is that i dont think id like being different. i think. i hate people who try to be deep. fuck youuuuu just be who you are.
i dont even know what i think actually. all i know is that that post had some phycological meaning behind it which i have now forgotten.
onefourthree
Justin Bieber.
i luff choo.
so. catchy.
i like justin bieber because it means im not someone trying to be cool by thinking im too cool to like him. does that make sense?
i dont mind being shallow sometimes :)
i hate people that think theyre too cool for stuff.
dont get me wrong, im not obsessive. i just dont think hes a faggot, like everyone else that isnt a screaming preteen.
actually kidding. i love him. id do him. maybe.
you know what else i hate? people trying to be different. because people trying to be different all end up being the same. the same different people. plus, someone has to be normal. if we were all different, it would be normal. dont get me wrong, im hardly normal. but im hardly different either.
theres a post ive been dying to post for ages. ill post it after this.
so. catchy.
i like justin bieber because it means im not someone trying to be cool by thinking im too cool to like him. does that make sense?
i dont mind being shallow sometimes :)
i hate people that think theyre too cool for stuff.
dont get me wrong, im not obsessive. i just dont think hes a faggot, like everyone else that isnt a screaming preteen.
actually kidding. i love him. id do him. maybe.
you know what else i hate? people trying to be different. because people trying to be different all end up being the same. the same different people. plus, someone has to be normal. if we were all different, it would be normal. dont get me wrong, im hardly normal. but im hardly different either.
theres a post ive been dying to post for ages. ill post it after this.
more excitingness :)
lots more comments and faves on my photos :))))
someone said that my ideas were original and that my piccies were wonderful. someone else said it would be a pleasure to meet me.
someone else put my work in a folder called "good artists". does that mean im a good artist?
ive also been put in "good ART" and "true art" folders <3
that reminds me, my brandnew folder is broken :'(
i saw sarah the kenesiologist today, and i told her about stuff. because she doesnt tell anyone :) so for the first time since ive been back i could actually talk to someone.
:)
someone said that my ideas were original and that my piccies were wonderful. someone else said it would be a pleasure to meet me.
someone else put my work in a folder called "good artists". does that mean im a good artist?
ive also been put in "good ART" and "true art" folders <3
that reminds me, my brandnew folder is broken :'(
i saw sarah the kenesiologist today, and i told her about stuff. because she doesnt tell anyone :) so for the first time since ive been back i could actually talk to someone.
:)
Monday
my boy 143
my boy will be nice
my boy will be smart. smarter than me. i want to learn from him.
my boy will be my reason to live
and i will be his.
he will love my smile.
he'll never forget a thing i say.
the first time we meet i will have never seen him before. (obviously). but i mean, that will be the first time we talk, i would have never ever seen him before. but he will just come up to me and start talking. and ill talk back. and hell love me from the first moment and hopefully ill love him back. then we will forget where we are going and get a coffee milk and sit and talk and wonder where have you been all my life and actually understand why people say that.
im sick of boys being cautious around me. my boy wont care if i dont like him, but secretly he will. hell say the first thing that comes to mind. sometimes ill get angry at him. but that will all be okay because hes my boy.
ill never have to think about what to wear to impress him. ill never have to put on makeup. he wont care if im a mess. hell hold me anyway.
sometimes well just be. just be in each others company.
he will love his mum, but not his dad. he has a younger sister, i will be best friends with her.
some days he will pick me up from school. we will hang out untill it gets dark and we have to go. some days he might sleep over.
my mum will love him.
ill feel like sometimes he honestly doesnt care what i think :)
he will feel like himself around me. he wont be awkward or shy or "cute"
he wont be mushy. or cheesy. hell just say how he feels in his own words or in his own way. he wont care how it sounds.
hell make fun of me. but he will never ever ever have that look of fear that he has upset me in his eye. I HATE THAT. he wont be scared if hes hurt me. i dont like people being scared that theyve hurt me. he will kknow this.
sometimes we wont talk for a whole day. and we will be okay with that.
hell send me texts in the middle of the night for me to wake up to. but they will never say good morning or i love you. they will just say whatever he had wanted to say so early in the morning.
he will believe in god, but have his own set of beliefs. my boy will never want to talk about it though, and i like that about him. i like that some things he doesnt want to talk about. that he doesnt want to give me everything about him. i dont want everything in the world you know.
sometimes ill learn new things about him, but i wont be shocked. because my boy always shocks me, or apauls me, and its amazing. so ill never be shocked more by new information.
my boy will give me something to always have on me. but nothing that anyone would ever expect. something that only we know what it is.
we will have secrets. not secrets about ourselves before we met, but secrets that formed together. not secrets about one of us, but the both of us.
he plays the trumpet. he has dark wavy hair and blue eyes. he has faint freckles on the bridge of his nose.
he never says im beautiful.
maybe hell sneak into my house. we know its possible.
hell live closeby, birchgrove or rozelle maybe.
my friends wont know him. my friends wont like him. because my friends dont know him.
we would have been strangers before we met.
his name wont be Jett. his name might be Rob.
he will be in year 10. sometimes he doesnt go home.
he doesnt like some of his teachers, and he talks to me about them. i will imagine them up in my head as however he describes them. but he does like some of them, and he likes to learn, and he is patient to teach me.
hell never say things i dont understand. and when he does, ill like it. because ill pretend i know what hes talking about and then hell give me that gorgous half smile with his not-too-white teeth that lets me know he knows i dont understand. but no words will be exchanged. he will kiss me on the lips briefly then whisper "silly.." and my heart will melt.
we will read girly magazines together, because i know he is intrigued. sometimes we'll do down to the little place i used to run where you can see the harbour bridge and stand against the railing and talk about completely unromantic stuff. from far away people will think were cute. upclose people will think "what the..?"
maybe well have our own words.
ill forget his birthday. hell forget mine.
ill buy him presents when i go overseas. but i wont buy him a christmas present.
itll take him a long time to say i love you. maybe i wont say it back. maybe ill say "...interesting.." and hell slap me lightly accross the face and then kiss it better. because even if i do love him, i dont think ill say it.
ive never been in love.
i think i will first meet my boy on a bus coming home. ill be standing near the back door and he will have a seat near the back and hell get up and come to me and say "sometimes, i like standing near the back door. i feel like im helping society, even when im not".
and i wont have anything to say back. seriously, what can you say to that? so there will be a two and a quarter second silence and then he wont apologise for confusing me, but say "hi, im Alex." or Rob. Or Yurundah.
ill say "im natalia..hey". hell say "cool. i dont know anyone named natalia... actually kidding i think i had a great aunt named natalie. but that was natalie. not natalia."
then another silence. then ill comment on the weather. and we will talk about the weather for a good ten minutes, or until i have to get off. whichever comes sooner.
and although i dont think i liked the first part of our conversation, i liked talking about the weather with him. and ill never know why.
so, the next day he will be on the bus again. and this time we will talk about my dog going to the vet.
we will never talk about deep things. there will be an unspoken language of all the things we would say. he will say little deepish things occaisionally. like "i wonder if ants know thier naked". i think thats deep. and then i will kiss him. and then i will say "im not sure Drey. do you think ants know thier naked?" and then hell have a little think, and walk away without saying goodbye and ill see him the next day.
i dont think im conveying the conversations i imagine with him very well. they wont all be completely random and retarded. most will actually be very normal. just not romantic. none of this forever crap. because forever is just a word. noone gets to live to see forever.
maybe we will talk about our futures sometimes. but not about OUR future, just about our individual futures, and about the worlds future.
well talk about world issues.
for some reason we will have a long car ride together in the dark in teh back seat with my dad driving and my brothher on the other side of him. and i think well cuddle. no, we wont cuddle. i will fall asleep on his shoulder and then dribble and wake up to my own fart. and he will be discusted and question why he loves me. jokingly of course. because he will actually not know why he loves me, but will just know that he does.
hell think im cute sometimes :)
well bake cookies and burn them.
143. :)
my boy will be smart. smarter than me. i want to learn from him.
my boy will be my reason to live
and i will be his.
he will love my smile.
he'll never forget a thing i say.
the first time we meet i will have never seen him before. (obviously). but i mean, that will be the first time we talk, i would have never ever seen him before. but he will just come up to me and start talking. and ill talk back. and hell love me from the first moment and hopefully ill love him back. then we will forget where we are going and get a coffee milk and sit and talk and wonder where have you been all my life and actually understand why people say that.
im sick of boys being cautious around me. my boy wont care if i dont like him, but secretly he will. hell say the first thing that comes to mind. sometimes ill get angry at him. but that will all be okay because hes my boy.
ill never have to think about what to wear to impress him. ill never have to put on makeup. he wont care if im a mess. hell hold me anyway.
sometimes well just be. just be in each others company.
he will love his mum, but not his dad. he has a younger sister, i will be best friends with her.
some days he will pick me up from school. we will hang out untill it gets dark and we have to go. some days he might sleep over.
my mum will love him.
ill feel like sometimes he honestly doesnt care what i think :)
he will feel like himself around me. he wont be awkward or shy or "cute"
he wont be mushy. or cheesy. hell just say how he feels in his own words or in his own way. he wont care how it sounds.
hell make fun of me. but he will never ever ever have that look of fear that he has upset me in his eye. I HATE THAT. he wont be scared if hes hurt me. i dont like people being scared that theyve hurt me. he will kknow this.
sometimes we wont talk for a whole day. and we will be okay with that.
hell send me texts in the middle of the night for me to wake up to. but they will never say good morning or i love you. they will just say whatever he had wanted to say so early in the morning.
he will believe in god, but have his own set of beliefs. my boy will never want to talk about it though, and i like that about him. i like that some things he doesnt want to talk about. that he doesnt want to give me everything about him. i dont want everything in the world you know.
sometimes ill learn new things about him, but i wont be shocked. because my boy always shocks me, or apauls me, and its amazing. so ill never be shocked more by new information.
my boy will give me something to always have on me. but nothing that anyone would ever expect. something that only we know what it is.
we will have secrets. not secrets about ourselves before we met, but secrets that formed together. not secrets about one of us, but the both of us.
he plays the trumpet. he has dark wavy hair and blue eyes. he has faint freckles on the bridge of his nose.
he never says im beautiful.
maybe hell sneak into my house. we know its possible.
hell live closeby, birchgrove or rozelle maybe.
my friends wont know him. my friends wont like him. because my friends dont know him.
we would have been strangers before we met.
his name wont be Jett. his name might be Rob.
he will be in year 10. sometimes he doesnt go home.
he doesnt like some of his teachers, and he talks to me about them. i will imagine them up in my head as however he describes them. but he does like some of them, and he likes to learn, and he is patient to teach me.
hell never say things i dont understand. and when he does, ill like it. because ill pretend i know what hes talking about and then hell give me that gorgous half smile with his not-too-white teeth that lets me know he knows i dont understand. but no words will be exchanged. he will kiss me on the lips briefly then whisper "silly.." and my heart will melt.
we will read girly magazines together, because i know he is intrigued. sometimes we'll do down to the little place i used to run where you can see the harbour bridge and stand against the railing and talk about completely unromantic stuff. from far away people will think were cute. upclose people will think "what the..?"
maybe well have our own words.
ill forget his birthday. hell forget mine.
ill buy him presents when i go overseas. but i wont buy him a christmas present.
itll take him a long time to say i love you. maybe i wont say it back. maybe ill say "...interesting.." and hell slap me lightly accross the face and then kiss it better. because even if i do love him, i dont think ill say it.
ive never been in love.
i think i will first meet my boy on a bus coming home. ill be standing near the back door and he will have a seat near the back and hell get up and come to me and say "sometimes, i like standing near the back door. i feel like im helping society, even when im not".
and i wont have anything to say back. seriously, what can you say to that? so there will be a two and a quarter second silence and then he wont apologise for confusing me, but say "hi, im Alex." or Rob. Or Yurundah.
ill say "im natalia..hey". hell say "cool. i dont know anyone named natalia... actually kidding i think i had a great aunt named natalie. but that was natalie. not natalia."
then another silence. then ill comment on the weather. and we will talk about the weather for a good ten minutes, or until i have to get off. whichever comes sooner.
and although i dont think i liked the first part of our conversation, i liked talking about the weather with him. and ill never know why.
so, the next day he will be on the bus again. and this time we will talk about my dog going to the vet.
we will never talk about deep things. there will be an unspoken language of all the things we would say. he will say little deepish things occaisionally. like "i wonder if ants know thier naked". i think thats deep. and then i will kiss him. and then i will say "im not sure Drey. do you think ants know thier naked?" and then hell have a little think, and walk away without saying goodbye and ill see him the next day.
i dont think im conveying the conversations i imagine with him very well. they wont all be completely random and retarded. most will actually be very normal. just not romantic. none of this forever crap. because forever is just a word. noone gets to live to see forever.
maybe we will talk about our futures sometimes. but not about OUR future, just about our individual futures, and about the worlds future.
well talk about world issues.
for some reason we will have a long car ride together in the dark in teh back seat with my dad driving and my brothher on the other side of him. and i think well cuddle. no, we wont cuddle. i will fall asleep on his shoulder and then dribble and wake up to my own fart. and he will be discusted and question why he loves me. jokingly of course. because he will actually not know why he loves me, but will just know that he does.
hell think im cute sometimes :)
well bake cookies and burn them.
143. :)
this is exciting.
ive made a deviant art account, and ive uploaded some of my work :)
so far around two people have favourited EACH of my photos, and ive had comments on i think three of them :)
and ive only had pictures on the account for a couple hours :))
yay!
http://bottlebleu.deviantart.com/gallery/
tell me if i suck.
Graff, Let's Climb and Noosa are my favourites.\\
Friday
a few thought processes today:
waiting for my bus to take me to work - "in around 45 minutes lily will be standing on this exact same floor as i am now"
driving home from work - "at some stage this afternoon lilys bus was driving in this same lane in order to get to my house"
snuggling my new teddy - "lily touched you. now i am touching you. i am therefore touching lily. hello lily :)"
driving home from work - "at some stage this afternoon lilys bus was driving in this same lane in order to get to my house"
snuggling my new teddy - "lily touched you. now i am touching you. i am therefore touching lily. hello lily :)"
meowcat
how does YOUR AMAZING sound?
seriously. wtf. wtfffffff. how did i ever get a girl like you to stumble into my life.
how was i ever that lucky?
seriously, what the hell did i do right?
oh crap im crying.
lily youre amazing. and you will never be anything less than amazing. EVER. i love you so so so so very much and it hurts me alot to be away from you.. ;(
WHAT THE HELL WHO DOES THAT?!? who teh hell treks it across the city to drop off all the keys to a girls heart, to leave them on her bed and not even get to see her? that is DEDICATION. that is LOVE. that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. EVER.
so, to be a lady,
thankyou.
thankyou very very very much. you officially brought tears to my eyes.
i love you.
very much.
seriously. wtf. wtfffffff. how did i ever get a girl like you to stumble into my life.
how was i ever that lucky?
seriously, what the hell did i do right?
oh crap im crying.
lily youre amazing. and you will never be anything less than amazing. EVER. i love you so so so so very much and it hurts me alot to be away from you.. ;(
WHAT THE HELL WHO DOES THAT?!? who teh hell treks it across the city to drop off all the keys to a girls heart, to leave them on her bed and not even get to see her? that is DEDICATION. that is LOVE. that is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. EVER.
so, to be a lady,
thankyou.
thankyou very very very much. you officially brought tears to my eyes.
i love you.
very much.
Thursday
girlss
oh this new blog is girly. reallllyyyy girly :)
nice change eh? from all the dark and neon.. :)
love love love
im so excited.
to have a piece of you in my backyard :)
i sound like a fucked up murderer. hahahahaa
well you know i could be.
i have good nail polish on. its red :)
mama got it for me in Britain. yaY :)
a beautiful transfestite sold it to her. she said that she was really beautiful, and not cheap
or tacky like lots of them are :)
which is good, people not doing what is expected.
selling nail polish is also good, because minions like you and me get to have pretty talons :)
ohhhhh im in a wierd mood.
nice change eh? from all the dark and neon.. :)
love love love
im so excited.
to have a piece of you in my backyard :)
i sound like a fucked up murderer. hahahahaa
well you know i could be.
i have good nail polish on. its red :)
mama got it for me in Britain. yaY :)
a beautiful transfestite sold it to her. she said that she was really beautiful, and not cheap
or tacky like lots of them are :)
which is good, people not doing what is expected.
selling nail polish is also good, because minions like you and me get to have pretty talons :)
ohhhhh im in a wierd mood.
lily poo
lily poo
how are you
are you sitting on the loo?
i dont know who
sits on the loo
whilst they poo...
do you?
how are you
are you sitting on the loo?
i dont know who
sits on the loo
whilst they poo...
do you?
Wednesday
:)
some days my makeup looks better than others. today is a good day :)
everything is so far behind me, and im so happy. im moving movinggg movinggg. i finally feel like i used to, in control of my life. i know where im headed, i know where i came from and i know what i can become.
everything happens for a reason. and im so excited to see why :)
at saint andrews i dont have to listen to whispers like i would have had to at timbertop..i just know it.at sacs i feel wanted and beautiful and popular, and although i miss timbertop desperately, i know i can make a light of my situation. i know that even though my entire future was stolen from me, i can regrow it again. i can make my life into what i want, all over again.
im not going to let anything, or anyone stop me. because i am me, i know what i want, and i know how to get it.
my future looks bright :)
everything is so far behind me, and im so happy. im moving movinggg movinggg. i finally feel like i used to, in control of my life. i know where im headed, i know where i came from and i know what i can become.
everything happens for a reason. and im so excited to see why :)
at saint andrews i dont have to listen to whispers like i would have had to at timbertop..i just know it.at sacs i feel wanted and beautiful and popular, and although i miss timbertop desperately, i know i can make a light of my situation. i know that even though my entire future was stolen from me, i can regrow it again. i can make my life into what i want, all over again.
im not going to let anything, or anyone stop me. because i am me, i know what i want, and i know how to get it.
my future looks bright :)
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