I really did have everything. i had the biggest future anyone will ever have. i went to the FOURTH BEST SCHOOL IN THE WORLD. THE NUMBER ONE IN AUSTRALIA. i was gunna be great. Harvard Law School and all. i know how i sound to the outside world, like a shit. but it matters to me. it really does. i had so much, and it was thrown away in the matter of seconds.

i should have listened to all of the warnings. the warnings given to me by EVERYONE around me. EVERYONE. i need to learn to fucking listen.

i had some of the most amazing people in the world in my unit, and i lost their love and respect at the same time i lost love and respect for myself.

my parents wont trust me again.

i feel ive unintentionally pushed lililil too far away to reach her ;( dont let this be true.

i hate how it sounds like im exaggerating with all this. i wish i was exaggerating. i wish it was just some fantasy in my head for drama in my life. i wish i could have my life back.

sarah thinks "ur brain will start to cope with the grieving of this tragedy anywhere from in a months time to a few years. eventually your brain will allow you to slowly start enjoying yourself again, and you will see a new future for yourself. maybe not a future that you had imagined or wanted, but a future nonetheless. everything happens for a reason, you are just yet to find out why god has thrown this at you"

i like her :) she tells me stuff i can use.

last year when i thought my life was so hard, ohmygod i wanna stab my past self. i didnt have a clue what hard meant, yet i carried on and moaned about my life like my mum had died or something. i learnt what hard was the hard way. the incredibly hard way.

i still have flashbacks of moments in those last few hours. ive run it through my brain a thousand times and more. every image is crystal clear.

i dont want to have to think about it at all. not even the good times, because they remind me of how i want more good times, and how that will never be possible.

fuckmyfuckup.

i shouldnt be in this city. i shouldnt be in this bed. i dont belong here. i belong in a cold bed in rural victoria.