my boy 143

my boy will be nice
my boy will be smart. smarter than me. i want to learn from him.
my boy will be my reason to live
and i will be his.
he will love my smile.
he'll never forget a thing i say.

the first time we meet i will have never seen him before. (obviously). but i mean, that will be the first time we talk, i would have never ever seen him before. but he will just come up to me and start talking. and ill talk back. and hell love me from the first moment and hopefully ill love him back. then we will forget where we are going and get a coffee milk and sit and talk and wonder where have you been all my life and actually understand why people say that.

im sick of boys being cautious around me. my boy wont care if i dont like him, but secretly he will. hell say the first thing that comes to mind. sometimes ill get angry at him. but that will all be okay because hes my boy.

ill never have to think about what to wear to impress him. ill never have to put on makeup. he wont care if im a mess. hell hold me anyway.

sometimes well just be. just be in each others company.

he will love his mum, but not his dad. he has a younger sister, i will be best friends with her.

some days he will pick me up from school. we will hang out untill it gets dark and we have to go. some days he might sleep over.

my mum will love him.

ill feel like sometimes he honestly doesnt care what i think :)
he will feel like himself around me. he wont be awkward or shy or "cute"

he wont be mushy. or cheesy. hell just say how he feels in his own words or in his own way. he wont care how it sounds.

hell make fun of me. but he will never ever ever have that look of fear that he has upset me in his eye. I HATE THAT. he wont be scared if hes hurt me. i dont like people being scared that theyve hurt me. he will kknow this.

sometimes we wont talk for a whole day. and we will be okay with that.

hell send me texts in the middle of the night for me to wake up to. but they will never say good morning or i love you. they will just say whatever he had wanted to say so early in the morning.

he will believe in god, but have his own set of beliefs. my boy will never want to talk about it though, and i like that about him. i like that some things he doesnt want to talk about. that he doesnt want to give me everything about him. i dont want everything in the world you know.

sometimes ill learn new things about him, but i wont be shocked. because my boy always shocks me, or apauls me, and its amazing. so ill never be shocked more by new information.

my boy will give me something to always have on me. but nothing that anyone would ever expect. something that only we know what it is.

we will have secrets. not secrets about ourselves before we met, but secrets that formed together. not secrets about one of us, but the both of us.

he plays the trumpet. he has dark wavy hair and blue eyes. he has faint freckles on the bridge of his nose.

he never says im beautiful.

maybe hell sneak into my house. we know its possible.

hell live closeby, birchgrove or rozelle maybe.

my friends wont know him. my friends wont like him. because my friends dont know him.

we would have been strangers before we met.

his name wont be Jett. his name might be Rob.

he will be in year 10. sometimes he doesnt go home.

he doesnt like some of his teachers, and he talks to me about them. i will imagine them up in my head as however he describes them. but he does like some of them, and he likes to learn, and he is patient to teach me.

hell never say things i dont understand. and when he does, ill like it. because ill pretend i know what hes talking about and then hell give me that gorgous half smile with his not-too-white teeth that lets me know he knows i dont understand. but no words will be exchanged. he will kiss me on the lips briefly then whisper "silly.." and my heart will melt.

we will read girly magazines together, because i know he is intrigued. sometimes we'll do down to the little place i used to run where you can see the harbour bridge and stand against the railing and talk about completely unromantic stuff. from far away people will think were cute. upclose people will think "what the..?"

maybe well have our own words.

ill forget his birthday. hell forget mine.

ill buy him presents when i go overseas. but i wont buy him a christmas present.

itll take him a long time to say i love you. maybe i wont say it back. maybe ill say "...interesting.." and hell slap me lightly accross the face and then kiss it better. because even if i do love him, i dont think ill say it.

ive never been in love.

i think i will first meet my boy on a bus coming home. ill be standing near the back door and he will have a seat near the back and hell get up and come to me and say "sometimes, i like standing near the back door. i feel like im helping society, even when im not".
and i wont have anything to say back. seriously, what can you say to that? so there will be a two and a quarter second silence and then he wont apologise for confusing me, but say "hi, im Alex." or Rob. Or Yurundah.

ill say "im natalia..hey". hell say "cool. i dont know anyone named natalia... actually kidding i think i had a great aunt named natalie. but that was natalie. not natalia."

then another silence. then ill comment on the weather. and we will talk about the weather for a good ten minutes, or until i have to get off. whichever comes sooner.

and although i dont think i liked the first part of our conversation, i liked talking about the weather with him. and ill never know why.

so, the next day he will be on the bus again. and this time we will talk about my dog going to the vet.

we will never talk about deep things. there will be an unspoken language of all the things we would say. he will say little deepish things occaisionally. like "i wonder if ants know thier naked". i think thats deep. and then i will kiss him. and then i will say "im not sure Drey. do you think ants know thier naked?" and then hell have a little think, and walk away without saying goodbye and ill see him the next day.

i dont think im conveying the conversations i imagine with him very well. they wont all be completely random and retarded. most will actually be very normal. just not romantic. none of this forever crap. because forever is just a word. noone gets to live to see forever.

maybe we will talk about our futures sometimes. but not about OUR future, just about our individual futures, and about the worlds future.

well talk about world issues.

for some reason we will have a long car ride together in the dark in teh back seat with my dad driving and my brothher on the other side of him. and i think well cuddle. no, we wont cuddle. i will fall asleep on his shoulder and then dribble and wake up to my own fart. and he will be discusted and question why he loves me. jokingly of course. because he will actually not know why he loves me, but will just know that he does.

hell think im cute sometimes :)

well bake cookies and burn them.




143. :)