goldfish

I GOT GOLDFISH ON SUNDAY.

i got three of them and they live in my room with me. i feed them twice a day (before i leave for school and as soon as i get home) and sometimes just before i go to bed (if they are starting to eat the (live) plants i have in thier vase). one has tiny black lips that i didnt notice when i first picked him. his name isnt definite yet, but im thinking of calling him steiner :) then i have one with a white belly, her name is Sophia. then i have one that is entirely orange, but is extra shiny. Her name is Poo, which is actually short for Lily Poo Poo, but i like just calling her Poo:)

I will clean the vase and change the water and trim the plants every saturday after work. at this time i think i will take them out with my mothers tea strainer and put them in individual tall glasses and admire them for a while :)

i love not being alone in my room anymore. at least i have SOMEONE. theres not fourteen of them, but you know, i love them all the same.

if i lay really still at night and turn my laptop off, i can hear thier bubbles :) its the most amazing thing to listen to. every twenty seconds or so there is this tiny tiny eensy sound, and it is so peaceful.

I love them :) they are so cute. Sarah my kinesiologist recommended i get a kitten, but seeing as im not there during the day to keep it entertained and that if i end up moving to a boarding school, i might not be able to take care of her properly and give her the love she deserves. so i got goldfish :)

Sarah is so lovely. i really opened up to her about everything for the first time last week. i mean, i always open up to her because i love her and she really helps me, but this time i REALLY opened up. i mean i turned into a crying girl showing her heartache, and she was really happy for me to be able to do that in front of her. and she also accepted i didnt want to lie on the table for this session, that i just wanted to talk and cry and try and explain my life and how much ive screwed it up. also, because she is a medical professional, i was allowed to tell her EXACTLY what happened, because she cant tell anyone. so, apart from my parents, shes the only one who knows my dirty secrets ;)

kidding. about the dirty bit.

to lily, i love you very very much. im sorry about how much i have hurt you, and i wish with all my heart just to be able to make it all better. i wish i could start this year over, and include you more. im so sorry that i cant tell you some things, its not my choice i swear. if i was allowed i would tell you in a heartbeat. and i know that i could break rules if i had to, but im not a rulebreaker. not anymore. please dont assume things. just because i cant tell you doesnt mean its that bad. i think. i know how it feels to not know things, i hate it so much. if someone told me what i am telling you i would want to stab them in the face. if someone put me through what i have put you through, i would want to stab them in the face.

lil, sometimes i see us as a married couple, the grown up type. i see me as the man who has left and sends money every month to pay for child welfare. i see you as the beautiful yet aged beyond her years wife, that is at home doing everything that i never did. i see you as taking care of our child alone, and i am never there to help. i think the money i send at the end of the month is a representation of my letters from timbertop. i sent them, but i was still not THERE when you needed me. that no matter how hard i tried, those letters would never be enough. i know they were never enough.

have you read house rules by jodi picoult? if so, it is pretty much a perfect representation of how i see us. you are the hardworking mother and i am the dad that left and lives in another state. at the end of the book, he tries to get back into the mums life and fix all the hurt he has caused, but he cant. he has already pushed himself too far away.

i hope that doesnt happen to us. i hope im not too far away.